“I listen better with earplugs in, so I can see what your body is really saying.” — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“I am the orangutan of love. OK, who am I kidding? I’m merely the love monkey.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A pack of people came to see me. I say a pack because they were werewolves.” — Jarod Kintz Werewolves Copy Share Image
“Inappropriate interview question #13: Can I call you Kitten Tits?” — Jarod Kintz Interview Copy Share Image
“If I were to come back in another life, I’d like to be reincarnated as my own clone.” — Jarod Kintz Another life Copy Share Image
“I picked up the knife to cut the melon, and then smashed it with my fist instead.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My name is Al, but it’s not Al Falfa. You can’t eat me, damnit. At least not legally.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The bullpen in a baseball park is the best place for matador training.” — Jarod Kintz Baseball Copy Share Image
“My wife told me she’d meet me at the mall, and I said, “Don’t be silly. We’ve already met. What, do you… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“I had dried jizz on my pants, so I took it to my dry cleaners. My pants got clean, but it must… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be placed in the trunk of a car manufacturer’s competitor, to increase the odds of decreasing their fuel efficiency. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I carry a shower curtain folded up neatly in my wallet, because you never know when you’ll never know.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I was looking for a reassuring hand to hold and steady my own, and I finally found it on the other side… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My workout partner is a cat. We nap together. He spots me a place, and keeps it warm, and then as soon… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“One to five, I’m not sure how most people would rate me. But I’m certainly top four to anyone who doesn’t have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I went to visit my dad. He didn’t say a word to me. Or if he did, I couldn’t hear it through… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help you become the next Great American Novelist. Hopefully after you use it to crack your… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am a rebel! But I don’t want people to agree with my views, because if everyone agreed with me then I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have assigned myself a Hooray Factor of five. This is the top level, and is the only level that has a… — Jarod Kintz Reflection In The Mirror Copy Share Image
“I went on a blind date last night. We watched a silent film. We stayed up all night talking in sign language.… — Jarod Kintz Blind date Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make people smile. But the blanket won’t make just anyone smile—it will make people with no… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The moon is an orbital albino, and it gets tons of sunlight, so I propose Operation Sunscreen, where astronauts coat the surface… — Jarod Kintz Space Copy Share Image
“Republicans don’t stand for the beliefs of the right, and Democrats don’t stand for the principles of the left. They each stand… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“In 50 years, I’m going to tell my grandchildren, “Back when I was growing up we didn’t have teleportation devices. We actually… — Jarod Kintz Grandchildren Copy Share Image
“I’ll put an oven mitt on before I handle anything hot—including my penis.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If politicians lived to be only 30-years-old before dying, that’d still be 30 years too long.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“I am the melted cheese of desire. Please, feel free to double dip.” — Jarod Kintz Desire Copy Share Image
“Behind the door lies the question: Have you ever heard of a thing called knocking?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m asking you not to do it. Can you do that for me? Can you do not doing it? ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You can tell a lot about a man by his shoes, like if he’s barefoot or not.” — Jarod Kintz Barefoot Copy Share Image
“Scars are proof man isn’t perfect, though constantly getting closer.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I hung out with Van Gogh, I don’t know what we’d do. We’d just play it by ear, I guess.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My face looks different now that I got the boundaries redrawn by an experienced cartographer.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am Vigalig the Destroyer. Except during the day, and then I am Gigalig the Giggler.” — Jarod Kintz Comedy Copy Share Image
“People are more likely to like you if you treat them with respect and Linseed oil.” — Jarod Kintz Respect Copy Share Image
“I enjoy breakfast in bed. But not while I am sleeping, because that’s when I’m making love.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be placed down on the first step on the path to enlightenment.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
