“Politicians are people with easy answers for hard problems.” — Jarod Kintz Easy answers Copy Share Image
“I own nothing, but at least nothing owns me. Well, besides the bank.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you were to talk about your nose, I’d take everything you’d say at face value.” — Jarod Kintz Face value Copy Share Image
“I yelled at my cat to knock it off, and sure enough, he did. And it broke.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Driving is better than walking, because hitting is better than being hit.” — Jarod Kintz Driving Copy Share Image
“Most people like winners, but I prefer underdogs. They’re more fun to pet.” — Jarod Kintz Underdogs Copy Share Image
“Watching two cows have sex is the most magical experience at Cereal Land.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If only women were as easy to understand as men without penises (eunuchs), because then everyone in my harem would be adept… — Jarod Kintz Harem Copy Share Image
“When I was young, I was 13 going on 31. Then when I was 30 going on 31, I was 30 going… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Money, like a person whose first name is Money, shouldn’t be what you spend your time fantasizing about. And the same goes… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I took some naked pictures the other day. I don’t feel shamed, but I do feel remorse over having to steal the… — Jarod Kintz Regret Copy Share Image
“A brick could be affixed to each end of an axle, for an example of transportation in a pre-wheel society. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When my now ex wife said she wanted a separation, I was horrified. So I said, “You want me to wear a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“On my desk are two things: an unfinished research paper due tomorrow, and a goat, and I don't feel like doing either… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m creative, I make up almost everything. But with all my creativity, I couldn’t make up with my wife.” — Jarod Kintz Creativity Copy Share Image
“The equator is a sign of equality, splitting the earth into two equal halves. Unfortunately, the equator also splits the earth into… — Jarod Kintz East and west Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to revive the spiritual movement in America. But are we as a people willing to accept the… — Jarod Kintz Religion Copy Share Image
“I’ve often wondered why the Protestant Reformation took place in Germany, rather than in Poland. Then I realize that Luther had to… — Jarod Kintz Protestant reformation Copy Share Image
“If you know what I am thinking, there’d be no reason to hide behind the shower curtain when thinking naughty thoughts about… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I once had a dream about a woman, and the next day she died. I stopped sleeping for three days after that… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. Flowers were overflowing in the cemetery, so we decided to have a picnic there. You brought… — Jarod Kintz Apple pie Copy Share Image
“If love were a collection of collections, would your relationship be banged-up baseball cards, or famous art? My love for you is… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“If you don’t know what love feels like, you’re in luck, because I just finished making a new pair of Love Gloves.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My ex girlfriend and I, we had chemistry together. And right after that, we had biology.” — Jarod Kintz Biology Copy Share Image
“It’s not true that selling stolen goods has no overhead. Prison’s got a ceiling.” — Jarod Kintz Prison Copy Share Image
“Insects have the most sex. Trust me, I peep on them through my microscope.” — Jarod Kintz Insects Copy Share Image
“I am a jealous husband wife, and I feel your pain. All of it, for all of you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“So you made a mistake. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Let me beat you up instead.” — Jarod Kintz Failure Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a tablecloth, and a brick left as a tip. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He’s a monk, the fifth of his kind. I call him Monk E, and he is a primate.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Pants don’t walk without legs in them. Let that be a lesson in love.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“People are like puzzles. Especially interconnected people, like Siamese twins.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Once the orange juice wears off, I might be drunk. I love vodka.” — Jarod Kintz Drunk Copy Share Image
“My future, it almost looks like Christmas—red and green—stop and go.” — Jarod Kintz Christmas Copy Share Image
“The reason I make things so complicated is simple: Because I like being the uncimplicator.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
