Humor Quotes by Chelsea Handler

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

— Chelsea Handler

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

— Chelsea Handler

“Your lack of geographical knowledge is truly astounding.”

— Chelsea Handler

But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.

— Chelsea Handler

“I don't know who thought up waxing, but it was clearly the same person who invented Vicodin.”

— Chelsea Handler

“This was just the way I imagined myself around Nancy Grace--available, yet distant.”

— Chelsea Handler

That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.

— Chelsea Handler

“I don't like to overdose. Call me old-fashioned.”

— Chelsea Handler

Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.

— Chelsea Handler

“The big one was at least cute, and as annoying as she was, you couldn't get mad at a golden retriever.”

— Chelsea Handler

“How could I have missed the opportunity to pop pills with my sister who was purer than a Quaker?”

— Chelsea Handler

He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to…

— Chelsea Handler

“She cried the first time she was pulled over by a cop. I explained to her that there is no reason to…

— Chelsea Handler

“If I had seen pictures of people eating each other on the wall, I would've told him I was into cannibalism.”

— Chelsea Handler

Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. Its the first time an entire Third World country will have to…

— Chelsea Handler

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

— Chelsea Handler

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of…

— Chelsea Handler

“This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's…

— Chelsea Handler

“By the way he reacted, you would have thought I told him that slavery never happened. He laid into me with the…

— Chelsea Handler

“My mother is the antithesis of a typical Jewish mother, she is very soft-spoken and takes more naps that a cat. As…

— Chelsea Handler

“Yes, of course I want to get married, but does that mean I'm not allowed to go out and have a good…

— Chelsea Handler

I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game,…

— Chelsea Handler

“We checked our bags and got on line with some of our fellow passengers. Judging from the looks of them, it was…

— Chelsea Handler

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put…

— Chelsea Handler

“There are many ways to get to know someone, and my favorite is seeing them naked in Happy Baby pose. I also…

— Chelsea Handler

“I had heard my brothers and sisters use curse words but had never dared use one myself in front of anyone. But…

— Chelsea Handler

The part that wasn't a jackpot was his baseball mound of red pubic hair that looked like it had literally been attached…

— Chelsea Handler

“Seconds later, the female security officer grabbed a pair of my father's shorts from the top of the duffel bag, and emptied…

— Chelsea Handler

“It's not the concept of marriage I have a problem with. I'd like to get married too. A couple times. It's the…

— Chelsea Handler

“It was Valentine's Day and I had spent the day in bed with my life partner, Ketel One. The two of us…

— Chelsea Handler

“When I get married, I'm gonna register at Bank of America.”

— Chelsea Handler

“I can't," I said. "I threw my back out masturbating.”

— Chelsea Handler

If someone took the 'F' letter off me, I'd be ucked.

— Chelsea Handler

The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack.

— Chelsea Handler

A hotel room all to myself is my idea of a good time.

— Chelsea Handler

Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there.

— Chelsea Handler

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

— Chelsea Handler

I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.

— Chelsea Handler

First of all, i'm not an actor - I'm an asshole.

— Chelsea Handler

Good Luck Chuck, a comedy starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, opened today, and critics are saying it has all the belly…

— Chelsea Handler