I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
You got married recently to a rapper. It doesn't take them long to impregnate women. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
ONE OF MY girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“My time in heaven was up, and I was being told I wasn't the marrying kind by someone who undresses for a… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn't be telling their wife about it. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
There's a McDonalds in Hong Kong & they're offering couples the opportunity to get married. You can have a McWedding. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon just got themselves a marriage license. I think before she gets married again Pam needs to slow… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Hulk Hogan's wife has filed for divorce. This is the most devastating breakup since Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. And then Pam… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“In fact, we'd discussed marriage on several occasions just because we seemed to get along so well, but after thinking long and… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“Yes, of course I want to get married, but does that mean I'm not allowed to go out and have a good… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think the people in your life are the people that - when you can make other people happy and you can… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“It's not the concept of marriage I have a problem with. I'd like to get married too. A couple times. It's the… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
“My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second¦ or the fifth. Ill just… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
“It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game, its not… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
“I've found that many of the people who have a passion for karaoke too often have misplaced confidence, which can become aggressive and border… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
