You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
You just be honest about who you are, and if you dont end up with any friends, then good for you. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it's because they know how much I… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I went out with a guy who once told me I didnt need to drink to make myself more fun to be… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
A lot of amazing comedians that I've worked with just really follow their instincts and you can't really teach someone comedic timing.… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game,… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs.… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“So you're a comedian," he said. "Tell me something funny." "Okay. The great thing about being an alcoholic is that when you're… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“I thought maybe she was trying to be funny but then realized this was impossible to do without a sense of humor.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
“My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second¦ or the fifth. Ill just… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
“It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game, its not… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
“I've found that many of the people who have a passion for karaoke too often have misplaced confidence, which can become aggressive and border… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share
