Major Major never sees anyone in his office while he's in his office. — Joseph Heller Copy Share Image
For this God is our God for ever and ever: he will be our guide even unto death. — Octavius Winslow Copy Share Image
A diplomat is a man who remembers a lady's birthday but forgets her age. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Girls are like police. Once they get hold of all the evidences, they still want to hear the truth from you. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It's funny: I've joked that 'Sharp Objects,' 'To the Bone,' and 'Dietland' are my self-harm trilogy, and each one is a different… — Marti Noxon Copy Share Image
When you're young and you get to choose between sleep and sex you take sex everytime. You start getting older, you get… — Jeff Foxworthy Copy Share Image
I think if steroids are illegal for athletes why aint photoshop illegal for sum dez ratchet bitches on Facebook...IG & Twitter — IG:caonte_2_funny Copy Share Image
I was raised by women. Now I'm raising women. I was always better around girls. I live in an all-female household. I… — Aaron Taylor-Johnson Copy Share Image
Sitcoms are designed for normal people who just want to turn on their TV and get a laugh. It's not high-brow, you… — Megyn Price Copy Share Image
Peter Falk and Denis Leary today walked into a Starbucks and shot 27 people, without any announcement whatsoever. — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
The creed of the Inland Revenue is simple: "If we can bring one little smile to one little face today, then somebody's… — David Frost Copy Share Image
It's funny because I think a lot of it is simply... We've never considered ourselves satirists, but because we're on Comedy Central… — Trey Parker Copy Share Image
Gratitude is one of those things that cannot be bought. — E. F. L. Wood, 1st Earl of Halifax Copy Share Image
