In the morning you beg to sleep more, in the afternoon you are dying to sleep, and at night you refuse to… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Beware of ego: Ego is a double edged sword the outer edge cuts your popularity; while the inner edge pierces your purity. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
“You're not just doing that to impress her, are you?" "Everything I do is to impress her. It's my mission in life,"… — Chelsea M. Cameron Copy Share Image
The infidels are committing suicide by the hundreds on the gates of Baghdad... Be assured, Baghdad is safe, protected. Iraqis are heroes. — Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf Copy Share Image
It's funny, the hardest thing to do is to make something look like it's fast, loose and improvised, and get somebody to… — Abel Ferrara Copy Share Image
I don't think of myself as funny - I don't fill up a room with my humor... I would fail miserably as… — Steve Carell Copy Share Image
The really funny thing is that most all of my friends who are priests have seen me perform, and they say, 'I… — Carlos Mencia Copy Share Image
I ain't saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Part of my job as a presidential speechwriter (along with great writers like Jon Favreau and David Axelrod) was finding that sliver… — Jon Lovett Copy Share Image
If you lose 50%, it takes 100% to get back to where you started-and that takes something you can never get back: time. — Tony Robbins Copy Share Image
I feel like a lot of Indian fans don't know about my Indian background, so it's funny online that a lot of… — Mustafa Ali Copy Share Image
Sound, sound the clarion, fill the fife, Throughout the sensual world proclaim, One crowded hour of glorious life, Is worth an age… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I'd like to sit down with him and pick his brain, just a tiny bite somewhere in the frontal lobe to get… — Isaac Marion Copy Share Image
Was trying to count sheep to help me sleep but I don't think I'll be able to sleep anymore after being chased… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
It's funny, when you become an actor and you're successful, they don't want to talk about acting any more. 'Hey let's talk… — Nicholas Brendon Copy Share Image
To me, life is like the back nine in golf. Sometimes you play better on the back nine. You may not be… — Clint Eastwood Copy Share Image
What I love about comedy is that we're this group of weirdos, and the only language that matters is, 'Are you funny?'… — Hasan Minhaj Copy Share Image
Does anybody know WHERE CAN I WATCH PRETTY LITTLE LIARS Season 3 ON MY IPAD? (Not on Abc family 'cause it saysi… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Sex is a sensation caused by temptation when a guy sticks his location in a girls destination to increase the population of… — Mohamad Izz Khalis Copy Share Image
It is neither Art for Art, nor Art against Art. I am for Art, but for Art that has nothing to do… — Robert Rauschenberg Copy Share Image
That awkward moment when your parents tell you to stay in the line when you're shopping, and when you're almost near the… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I don't understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens? …If I'm trusting you with my money, you should trust… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“His heart beat so rapidly it might burst; he kept telling himself everything was fine so long as he remained a giraffe.” — Andrew Sturm Copy Share Image
The funny thing about the entertainment business is that we all feel like kids playing in a candy store, but we are… — Julie Plec Copy Share Image
What a mess! I can't believe I mixed up my Valentine cards. Now my girlfriend thinks I love her AND my wife… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
A couple is married for 47 years and the woman dies. At the funeral, the pallbearers swing the coffin, which hits a… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I literally cringe every time I see someone trying to trash talk. Some people just don't have it and they try, and… — Alexander Volkanovski Copy Share Image
It may sound funny, but I love the South. I don't choose to live anywhere else. There's land here, where a man… — Medgar Evers Copy Share Image
Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
All sincere boys fall in love with stupid girls, all sincere girls fall in love with stupid boys, I am neither stupid… — Abhishek Tiwari Copy Share Image
21 is the age of responsibility. Give it a few months and you will be wondering why you were in such a… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
30 Rock' is superbly funny - it's unashamedly odd, loud and cartoony. There are physical jokes, clever jokes, dumb jokes, character jokes… — Lou Sanders Copy Share Image
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now, and we don't know where the hell she is. — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
I've told so many stories to so many friends of mine. I have friends in Pittsburgh, in West Virginia, and in Indy.… — Pat McAfee Copy Share Image
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
What people really want is not to make something funny, but to make something amusing - which, in many ways, is the… — Christian Finnegan Copy Share Image
David Letterman used to say, 'I wasn't the class clown, but I wrote for him,' and that's exactly it. You want to… — Michael Keaton Copy Share Image
