Going in the pool; Ready, we'll jump in together on1,2,3! Both of you run up to the pool then watching your friend… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Every movie I do, I always use things that have happened in my life. Funny moments, anything. If it just sticks out… — Kirsten Dunst Copy Share Image
To people who make moving ads that block the view of websites: Not only will we not buy from you, but we… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I'm actually way more funny now, because I'm hungry... If comedy comes from pain, I should be funnier now than I ever… — Seth Rogen Copy Share Image
Being funny with a funny voice is more my comfort zone, a broader character that I try to humanize, a kind of… — Hank Azaria Copy Share Image
“Jane Jameson." He grinned. "Like the porn star." I gaped at him. "What? No, Jane Jameson." "Oh, not as fun," he said,… — Molly Harper Copy Share Image
Reaganomics, that makes sense to me. It means if you don't have enough money, it's just because poor people are hoarding it. — Kevin Rooney Copy Share Image
I want to do things or write things that make people feel a bit more beautiful or tragic or something because there… — Julian Barratt Copy Share Image
Too much love can kill you.. But what kind of love did you mean? By making love? That'll make you live and… — Rakii Retondo Copy Share Image
Heroine: Girl in a book who is saved from drowning by a hero and marries him next week, but if it was… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
As funny as we thought our script might have been, 'Super Troopers,' starring five nobodies, didn't fit the model of a good… — Jay Chandrasekhar Copy Share Image
A woman in labor was screaming profanities at her husband. He calmly said, Dont blame me. I wanted to stick it in… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
“How rude of me, we haven’t even introduced ourselves. We’re the Andersons. I’m Evan, the lovely size-zero lass in the floppy sun… — Colin Nissan Copy Share Image
If you've never seen me perform live, I'm a must-see. I'm very funny. I have a different perspective sometimes on a lot… — Carlos Mencia Copy Share Image
My mother was a very, very funny, outrageous, outspoken person, and she never edited me. Her whole thing in my life was… — Tig Notaro Copy Share Image
Dear God, my prayer for 2012 is a fat bank account and a thin body. Please don't mix these up like you… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“By educating me at home, my parents were able to give me individualized attention without the usual distractions that kids in regular… — Colin Nissan Copy Share Image
I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“All he'd done was lose her underwear and practically get her blown up. Hell. This had to be the absolute worst first… — Tara Janzen Copy Share Image
“Goddess damn it, being a Siren quite literally sucked… she was a fricking straw for a ravenous rock. Charisse grit her teeth… — Jane Cousins Copy Share Image
…they had burnt and destroyed around 30 vehicles, including tanks and APC's and damaged three enemy helicopters. God bless the fighters of… — Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf Copy Share Image
I used to bury myself in character parts and put on a lot of makeup and use a lot of props. At… — Nigel Hawthorne Copy Share Image
“What is it? Tens, I can see the stick up your arse from here. I'm dying remember? Dying people don't have time… — Amber Kizer Copy Share Image
*24 minutes of battery left* ME:That's enough time to finish. *6minutes later, laptop shuts down* ME: Fuck you! You lied to me! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Just so you're aware,' Mor chirped from the other side, 'We do have to go soon.' ... 'We have thirty minutes,' he… — Sarah J. Maas Copy Share Image
There was an advert I rather liked. Devastated woman: "I've just seen the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse!" Husband: "Never mind, love,… — Simon Barnes Copy Share Image
I just saw a fat girl crying while girls pointed & laughed at her. I thought ,She must be finding it hard… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“So those are your roommates, eh? What're the odds of having three gay-or-at-least-bi guys in one house, do you think?" "Who knows.… — Heidi Belleau Copy Share Image
I think it's time to clean out your Fridge when you open the door and something reaches out and hands you a… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
“He told me that if you yelled out "JAMBA!" at full volume, all the employees would yell back "JUICE!" He lied.” — Morgan Matson Copy Share Image
I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Nice men are ugly. Handsome men are not nice. Handsome and nice men are married. Handsome, nice and unmarried men are useless.… — My Lovely Sam Soon Copy Share Image
Boy came home after school and he was upset. His dad asked what was the reason. He replied, 'My teacher pointed at… — Pacifiersucker Copy Share Image
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I'm glad has promised three dollars and a bottle of Canadian whiskey to the man who puts on the best show. You've… — Sara Gruen Copy Share Image
GUY Friends are the BOMB. They're hilarious, cool, fun to hang out with, NO awkwardness… íuntil you start to LIKE one — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Certainly there are lots of things in life that money won't buy, but it's very funny- Have you ever tried to buy… — Ogden Nash Copy Share Image
I just want to be funny, I just want to do comedy. I don't really have an opinion. Opinions are like buttholes-… — Tracy Morgan Copy Share Image
I was a hop-around. I hung out with the rockabilly crew, the guys who were trying to be rappers, the funny kids. — Katy Perry Copy Share Image
When you cut it up, put the pieces in your mouth and swallowed them, the British hamburger shaped itself to the bottom… — Clive James Copy Share Image
