There are teams that are fair-haired, and those that aren't so fair-haired. Some teams are named Smith, some Grabowski. We're Grabowskis! — Mike Ditka Copy Share Image
“I squinted at her. “You’re an adult.” “You’re an adult too.” “But you’re an older adult. You’ve had more practice.” Mom leaned… — Ilona Andrews Copy Share Image
It's funny. I'm 48, but I'm not - in the sense that I still feel as fresh as a 17-year-old entering into… — Bebe Buell Copy Share Image
Before, I guess, mum and dad were everything, but now, in my case, I had two new girls and all of a… — Roger Federer Copy Share Image
You gotta fight. You gotta get out the negative energy. Don't let it build up. You end up screaming at each other… — Adam Ferrara Copy Share Image
If you play comedic scenes like they're really serious, then it's so much more funny than if you're going for a laugh. — Patton Oswalt Copy Share Image
Things I wonder about the FBI's list of the "Ten Most Wanted" criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick her candy. Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
In bed, its 6am you close your eyes for 5 minutes, its 7:45. At school its 1:30, close your eyes for 5 minutes, its 1:31 — Anonymous Copy Share Image
When I'm at home creating music, I usually wind up laughing. It's always, like, funny - like, what the hell did I… — Thundercat Copy Share Image
A blow-job is the only job in the world that can't be included in your resume despite years of experience and a… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
When you leave college, there are thousands of people out there with the same degree you have; when you get a job,… — Anna Quindlen Copy Share Image
How do people look so hot at the beach with their wet hair and their wet bodies and I just look like… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“You can find something funny in anything! I'm sick as a dog and falling to bits, but I'll give up joking only… — Louis-Ferdinand Céline Copy Share Image
“Slayde came out of the kitchen, long brown hair pulled back into a ponytail, T-shirt dusted with flour, coffee in hand. "If… — Sean Michael Copy Share Image
Dear Zayn, hi babe. where do I begin? you're perfect. I love yourlaugh, voice, face, & accent. you think american girls don't… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I was made to believe that my life was going to be fixed and it wasn't. I'm still the same loser who… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
People tell me I'm a drama queen. I don't get why that's a bad thing. If I'm a queen, don't I get… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
What I hate most about myself? My body weight/figure. My friend are all twigs and make me look like an oompa loompa. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“I remember that story. You have read it four times." Samson shrugged. "Why should I stop with the first reading? Nobody says,… — Karen A. Wyle Copy Share Image
You don't really know what you're going to get until you're actually in Abbey Road. That's where I did all the music,… — Ridley Scott Copy Share Image
I worked in a call centre for three-and-a-half years. I've tried to find something funny to include in my stand-up but I… — Chris McCausland Copy Share Image
It's really irritating. Even people who like my work sometimes come up to me and say, 'I usually don't like female comedians,… — Chelsea Peretti Copy Share Image
The service at the Imperial (Tokyo) is the finest I've encountered anywhere. There was a button next to my bed marked ROOM… — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
“He’d use this opportunity to impress Rick and show him that he did, in fact, have more to offer than just being… — Kyle Adams Copy Share Image
We can't always choose how we feel. We can, however, choose what we do about it, which ironically can change how we… — Bill Crawford Copy Share Image
When I try to be funny, it always makes me more nervous that I'm trying too hard, and then my brain that… — Coy Bowles Copy Share Image
We shall escape the absurdity of growing a whole chicken in order to eat the breast or wing, by growing these parts… — Winston Churchill Copy Share Image
My Scottie refused to go for a walk with a friend of the house, but she would joyously accompany any stranger who… — Mazo de la Roche Copy Share Image
The professorial dictum has always been to write what you know, but I say write what you don't know and find something… — T.C. Boyle Copy Share Image
“SHUT UP," Carot Top say, the cocane now taking effect. "This isnt Poetry 101. People want to laugh. Your suposed to be… — Seinfeld 2000 Copy Share Image
My favorite classic novel may be 'The Invisible Man.' It's smart and genuinely funny. Otherwise, my favorite character is probably Frankenstein's Monster/Frankenstein… — Adam Rex Copy Share Image
I've gone through several cycles. When I was little, I was the cute kid with missing teeth and funny one-liners. Then I… — Gregory Smith Copy Share Image
All my wife has ever taken from the Mediterranean - from that whole vast intuitive culture - are four bottles of Chianti… — Peter Shaffer Copy Share Image
It's funny because I was looking back on my Instagram,, and I saw that I had a bunch of feminist posts but… — O. T. Fagbenle Copy Share Image
I think we were in London for TV and David Hasselhoff was guest host of 'Raw'. We had the match where we… — Gail Kim Copy Share Image
It's pretty funny to me when I hear people say, 'I write six songs every day,' or, 'I turn out a song… — Benji Hughes Copy Share Image
“I think it's something like Mr. Peter Sloane and the octogenarians. The other evening Mrs. Sloane was reading a newspaper ans she… — L. M. Montgomery Copy Share Image
Congratulate yourselves if you have done something strange and extravagant and broken the monotony of a decorous age. — Ralph Waldo Emerson Copy Share Image
