“Because she left him a MySpace message that was semi-flirty, and then today he was very vague about what he was doing.… — Lauren Barnholdt Copy Share Image
Fake news executives are nicer than real news executives, though real news executives are funnier than fake news executives. They dont know… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Do you know where you going to? Do you like the things that life is showing you? Where are you going to?… — Diana Ross Copy Share Image
I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If A Couple In Love Are Called Love Birds, Then A Couple Who Have Fought With Each Other Should Be Called Angry… — Anurag Prakash Ray Copy Share Image
Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? 'Damn I got to get the hell… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
“Uphill? There's nothing up the hill," Colly said, trying desperately to work out where this conversation was going. "As a matter of… — John Flanagan Copy Share Image
The markets are the same now as they were five or ten years ago because they keep changing-just like they did then — Ed Seykota Copy Share Image
“...Whenever someone says to me, 'Jerry Lewis says women aren't funny,' or 'Christopher Hitchens says women aren't funny,' or 'Rick Fenderman says… — Tina Fey Copy Share Image
I look at a show like 'Roseanne.' That's super influential on me. It's very funny, very real, with real problems. That was… — Jonathan Krisel Copy Share Image
The mind is a funny thing in how it works. Sometimes you have to tell yourself what's really true. If you don't,… — Case Keenum Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you last night. We stopped telling each other about our dreams when we realized we were still… — Michael Summers Copy Share Image
“You see, unlike most writers today, I do not use a computer. I write the old-fashioned way: on the walls of caves.” — Cuthbert Soup Copy Share Image
“Are we going to be stupid?” she whispered. “Define stupid.” “Anything that involves either one of us exposing our favorite body parts.”… — Jill Shalvis Copy Share Image
There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So… — Frank Carson Copy Share Image
It is strange indeed how as a reader you never question the authenticity of an article being well aware that its passages… — Mohd Aariff Khan Copy Share Image
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?' She said: 'I want to go somewhere I've never been… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Move along,” Hines said. “Last room down.” I spotted a fish tank halfway down the aisle. Dug into my pocket. “Hi,” I… — Kathy Reichs Copy Share Image
If I meet you for a date and you do not look anything like your picture, then you are buying me drinks… — Punkinhead Abhishek Copy Share Image
On the £20,000 Mercedes prizes for each winner at the World Athletics Championships in Stuttgart- Anyone good enough to win already has one. — Michael Johnson Copy Share Image
When you're in a train and it breaks down, well, there you is. But when you're in a plane and it breaks… — Amy Hill Hearth Copy Share Image
“She's fifteen!" Nash shrugged. "That's just a number. It doesn't say anything about her." "It says something pretty damn funny about your… — Rachel Vincent Copy Share Image
I'm just a normal mother with the same struggles as any other mother who's trying to do everything at once and trying… — Gwyneth Paltrow Copy Share Image
How to put on Jeans: 1. Grab belt loops 2. Jump around like a bunny 3. Twerk for a few minutes 4. Lunge left 5. Lunge right. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you've ever been there, you'll realize that that's maybe… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
Those that have lived longer than us always have something to teach us, that we can take with us for the rest… — Johnny Cash Copy Share Image
“I was momentarily stunned by his odd announcement and told him as much. "Let’s just talk about the fact that you composed… — M.C. Lavocat Copy Share Image
Definitely that was a big part of my childhood: wanting to fit. As an immigrant, you talk funny, you look funny, you… — Genndy Tartakovsky Copy Share Image
A wave of anger washed over me, anger against myself, at my age at the time, that stupid lyrically age, when a… — Milan Kundera Copy Share Image
The stuff we're seeing in 'Deadpool' and 'Harley Quinn' now, Plastic Man was doing in the 1940s. It's a character that was… — Gail Simone Copy Share Image
When we are together,my handswere empty,because I had fail toreinforce our future. Till today my hands are empty. Even now, Im legendyary,… — Mohd Aariff Khan Copy Share Image
What's the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you've fooled me, what's behind that blur? Is it… — Persia Copy Share Image
Tim Minchin and Daniel Kitson are the two people that when I see them, I think I could never be that funny… — Richard Herring Copy Share Image
What's funny about me is that when I try and relax, and my body is in a fatigued or - you know,… — Bryson DeChambeau Copy Share Image
I love how in scary movies, the person yells out 'hello?'. As if the killer is gonna be like, 'yeah, I'm in… — Skye Holbrook Copy Share Image
I did get the nickname 'craptain' from the Yorkshire dressing room. A bit of banter which I thought was quite funny. — Joe Root Copy Share Image
Right now you have 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support, and you're scrolling with your thumb. — Amit Verma Copy Share Image
With my boyfriend, we can make sexist jokes to each other because we know it's absolutely not true. If I get home… — Emily Browning Copy Share Image
Anything that I can do with Jennie Garth, I would love to do it. I really like her. I got along with… — Cameron Mathison Copy Share Image
