Studies clearly indicate that those who get 'Get Well' cards sooner and more often have a 80% faster recovery rate, so I… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“But at the time I thought that if I could just get the world to see me the way I saw myself… — Gabourey Sidibe Copy Share Image
“That, and you have quite the temper." I play fully punched his arm. "Watch it, before you really feel my wrath.” — August Westman Copy Share Image
Welcome to facebook, where you can stalk your exes, freak out your frends, and go from normal to bi polor in 30 secounds! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“You know what you are, Sam Brody?" she whispered, wrapping her arms around his neck. "A big, fat tease." They both knew… — Jill Shalvis Copy Share Image
The funny thing is, whenever I'm working on something, I kind of forget there's a lot of people watching. It makes it… — Michiel Huisman Copy Share Image
“Yossarian was moved by such intense pity for his poverty that he wanted to smash his pale. sad, sickly face with his… — Joseph Heller Copy Share Image
What intrigued me about him was his intelligence, his humor. I'd been all over the world. I had started a career. At… — Cindy McCain Copy Share Image
Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it's getting worse. That's not good. I have to call my doctor… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member… — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
Michael Jackson died at 58,Whitney Houston at 48,John F. Kennedy at 38,Amy Winehouse at 28. How old is Justin Bieber again? 18 Right? — Anonymous Copy Share Image
My mama never wore a pair of pants when I was growing up, and now that's all she wears. It was so… — Dolly Parton Copy Share Image
Racing is a funny industry. One week you can be going terrible and the next week you're on top of the world.… — Michelle Payne Copy Share Image
Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy?… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Some blogs have become the best check on monopoly mainstream journalism, and they provide a surprisingly frequent source of initiative reporting. — Harold Evans Copy Share Image
Four miracles of womanhood: getting wet without taking a shower; bleeding without getting hurt; giving milk without eating grass; and making boneless… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
I love to smoke. I love to eat red meat. I'll only eat red meat that comes from cows who smoke, ok!?… — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
There is nothing as relaxing as being out on the open sea, listening to the waves and the wind and the sails… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“I unwrapped my love for her like one might unwrap leftovers. Gotta eat up the old stuff first, as a cannibal might… — Dark Jar Tin Zoo Copy Share Image
MARRIAGE, A ceremony favoured in England -- it's the only way to beat their cold winters and lack of central heating; — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
The whole character of Super Dave is a takeoff on people who pontificate. So one thing I never want to do is… — Bob Einstein Copy Share Image
I would like to open a restaurant, call it the Marilyn Monroe Café, and put hundreds of pictures of Jeff Goldblum on… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I figured if I could put together being funny about stuff and actual events, maybe I could do something that wasn't being… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
That awkward moment; When two of your friends whisper to each other right in front of you and you just sit there… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
As a fan, I'm distraught, but as a cartoonist looking at new vacant spaces in 2400 newspapers, well, behind me, my cats… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
When you're experiencing what's happening right now, all of a sudden everything that happened to you in your entire life melts away. — Bryan Kest Copy Share Image
Landscapes are culture before they are nature; constructs of the imagination projected onto wood and water and rock. It is... difficult to… — Simon Schama Copy Share Image
Ven you read the speeches in the papers, and see as vun gen'lman says of another, 'the Honourable member, if he vill… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
It's funny, I had dinner with my dear friend John Spencer last night and I'm not in the first episode, but he's… — Stockard Channing Copy Share Image
What's great about having an audience is they can let you know what they don't think is funny, and you can just… — Maggie Carey Copy Share Image
Why did the blonde send a blank letter to her husband in the army? They had a fight before he left and… — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
The eyes of a dog, the expression of a dog, the warmly wagging tail of a dog and the gloriously cold damp… — Barbara Woodhouse Copy Share Image
I have been through tornado warnings before, but this is really scary right now.. There is a siren, and it's really scary. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
This may sound funny, but I feel my most beautiful when I'm clean, fresh out of the bath. I don't have to… — Faith Hill Copy Share Image
“I don’t like seeing you hit.” “Well, to be quite honest, I don’t like being hit unless it’s by you.” As soon… — Tammy Blackwell Copy Share Image
People may say I'm difficult but I'm not. I'm a bit shy but it's funny how I can sing in front of… — Ben Howard Copy Share Image
A zooology teacher asks the class 'What is the one animal in the jungle that a lion is afraid of?' The class… — Melchor Lim Copy Share Image
'Cause if your love was all I had in this life, well that would be enough until the end of time. So… — Justin Timberlake Copy Share Image
“Poncho was in a red mood slanging with rage and needed to cook himself out of it , while shoving handfuls of… — Saira Viola Copy Share Image
