Funny Quotes · Page 873

His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

— Henny Youngman

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

— John Perry Barlow

My own verse is usually free verse. The freer the better.

— L. Ron Hubbard

Anything that happens to you has some bearing upon what you write.

— John Dos Passos

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

— Azgraybebly Joslan

I like the concept of wearing in instead of wearing out.

— Bill Moggridge

I assure you that the world is not so amusing as we imagined.

— Pierre Choderlos de Laclos

It's funny, I feel like dogs take after their owners and certain mannerisms and the energy that they have.

— Valentin Chmerkovskiy

Hope you don't mind that the side dish I'm bringing to Thanksgiving is several bottles of wine that I'm not sharing with…

— Anonymous

“No, Roger had not seen the funny side. But there had been a moment when, after looking at his watch, he had…

— John Lanchester

Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake? This is commonly misquotes as You can't have you're cake and eat…

— John Heywood

I'm not just a singer of funny songs; I am basically, first and foremost, a musician. I'm always recording all styles of…

— Ray Stevens

There are hidden contradictions in the minds of people who "love Nature" while deploring the "artificialities" with which "Man has spoiled Nature.'"…

— Robert A. Heinlein

When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being.…

— Demetri Martin

Life doesn't make any sense, and we all pretend it does. Comedy's job is to point out that it doesn't make sense,…

— Eric Idle

“People are hitting little old ladies on the head. Teachers are driving into trees. You are being arrested every other day by…

— Kristi Abbott

Some hoes only meet the parents because they gotta walk pass the living room.

— Nikhil Saluja

The total history of almost anyone would shock almost everyone.

— Mignon McLaughlin

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him how to fish and you get rid of him…

— Zenna Schaffer

Love and liveAnd live and loveEach momentTo the fullest.

— Sri Chinmoy

That awkward moment when everyone is laughing their ass off& you don't know what's going on.

— Anonymous

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

— Nikhil Saluja

Freedom is best, I tell thee true, of all things to be won.

— William Wallace

I get dumber as the day goes along. Every second of the day that goes along, I get stupider.

— John Waters

You can't hire someone else to do your push-ups for you.

— Jim Rohn

I have one of those open and shut marriages. My pants are always open and my wife's are always shut.

— Green Monk

Most of the time, I only agree with you to shut you the fuck up.

— Nikhil Saluja

The meaning of life can be revealed but never explained.

— Kenneth Rexroth

Common sense is so rare it should be considered a superpower nowadays.

— Anonymous

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

— Mitch Hedberg

Incorrect documentation is often worse than no documentation.

— Bertrand Meyer

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!

— Rodney Dangerfield

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

— Rodney Dangerfield

A pekingeese is not a pet dog; he is an undersized lion.

— A. A. Milne

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost

— Hussein Nishah

How do you know that God didn't speak to Charles Darwin?

— Jack Lemmon

Sluts should be called, Humpty Dumpty. First they get humped, then they get dumped..

— Anonymous

I am only doing my part to piss off the pious religious folks.

— Anonymous

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.

— Don Marquis

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

— Milton Berle