I'm out to take the Bible, create disciples who make disciples, disciple cycles... — LeCrae Copy Share Image
I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!" — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Being sued by your own record company, that's even better than receiving a Grammy — Neil Young Copy Share Image
I was once thrown out of a mental hospital for depressing the other patients. — Oscar Levant Copy Share Image
Some people need to have eggs thrown at them.Brick shaped eggs..made of brick. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I gave him a compliment! All right, I told him he probably would've made, like, a really expensive slave in the, like,… — Sarah Silverman Copy Share Image
I've experienced plenty of times when something I think is funny doesn't do very well. And there are times when something I… — Carrot Top Copy Share Image
One small decision can change your life! That's why I always let someone else make my decisions, that way if something goes… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Idiot," I said, before grinning broadly and crushing his mouth to mine. "We need to pick new pet names for each other,"… — Molly Harper Copy Share Image
“How's the training?' She gave him a smile- a true one. 'Good. We're learning how to disembowel a male.' Lucien choked on… — Sarah J. Maas Copy Share Image
Teacher : Please go to page 364 in your text book. Random kid in the back : OMG I JUST FLIPPED RIGHT… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great.… — Jim Norton Copy Share Image
“How funny.” I say flatly. “and I was hoping for a battle of wits but you appear to be unarmed.” His laugh… — K. Larsen Copy Share Image
Sorry I missed your call I took to long to answer cause I was dancing to the ringtone — Ana 13 Copy Share Image
The way is the beginning of all beings and the measure of right and wrong. — Han Fei Copy Share Image
You can never get someplace physically until you've been there mentally. — Wade Schalles Copy Share Image
I don't think I said a single funny thing in class between 2004 and 2008. — Ivo Graham Copy Share Image
That which is impossible and probable is better than that which is possible and improbable. — Aristotle Copy Share Image
Taylor Swift seems like the type of chick that would poke a hole in a condom. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'? — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
A doctor is a person who kills you today to prevent you from dying tomorrow. — Vikrant Parsai Copy Share Image
I have read the Aeneid through more often than I have read any long poem. — C. S. Lewis Copy Share Image
Words make another place, a place to escape to with your spirit alone. — Robert MacNeil Copy Share Image
As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years. — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
To whoever stole my Microsoft Office: You're gonna pay. You have my Word! — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Funny is not a color. Being black is only good from the time you get from the curtain to the microphone. — Flip Wilson Copy Share Image
Monday is international zombie day. We all look like zombies and act like them — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
Sorry I wasn't on yesterday. We had a storm where I live, and the electric wasn't on until about an hour ago — Anonymous Copy Share Image
