You're at Starbucks? Please post pictures of your coffee, I've never seen one before. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If you're uncomfortable around my dog, I'm happy to lock you in the other room when you come over. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Making modern games funny would be easy as pie if it was anybody's goal to actually make a funny game. — Doug TenNapel Copy Share Image
Considering we met online, I feel it's totally appropriate to break up with you over email. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If you really want your friends to remember you, give them something cheap. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Democracy is not something we have. It's something we do. — Doris "Granny D" Haddock Copy Share Image
Men are paid, not merely for what they know, but more particularly for WHAT THEY DO WITH THAT WHICH THEY KNOW. — Napoleon Hill Copy Share Image
If you try to deliver a funny line in a funny way, it comes out as wacky and you ruin the scene. — Bill Burr Copy Share Image
Justin's new album is finally out.i'm so proud of him. he worked so hard. :') now I just gotta wait till my… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said,… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
R.I.P to my Ex...the funeral will be held at Never Again Baptist Church, located across from The Lies You Told Cemetery, on… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Dear crush,don't be scared if a fat guy in a red suit snatches you away on christmas eve after all you were… — Corey Chevier Copy Share Image
“Where do you find a stomach on a Thursday afternoon in Reno? "Chinatown?" suggests someone. "Costco?" "Butcher Boys." Tracy pulls his phone… — Mary Roach Copy Share Image
I'll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they're hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren't they? You know they've… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
“If there is a god maybe it rewards those who don't believe on the basis of insufficient evidence--and punishes those who do.” — Peter Boghossian Copy Share Image
It's funny, oftentimes the really great roles that I enjoy are in classic plays, and there aren't many theatres in New York… — Laila Robins Copy Share Image
Gentlemen, we are being killed on the beaches. Lets go inland and be killed. — Norman Cota Copy Share Image
We would rather be anywhere, as long as we are somewhere. We would rather be anyone, as long as we are someone. — Fred Wah Copy Share Image
I contemplated my greed for peace. And I did not seek tranquillity anymore. — Ajahn Sumedho Copy Share Image
Has found his/her favorite machine at the gym: the vending machine! — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I hope I shall never see the day when the Force of Right is deprived of the Right of Force. — Winston Churchill Copy Share Image
Recreate the world in your own image and make it better for your having been here. — Ray Bradbury Copy Share Image
I've waited all my life to say this... I weigh less than Elizabeth Taylor! — Totie Fields Copy Share Image
Relationships were meant only for two people; unfortunately for some of us, math is not our favorite subject. — London Mond Copy Share Image
It's the things that we know FOR SURE, that just ain't so, that get us into trouble. — Wayne Dyer Copy Share Image
I swapped my neighbor's newspaper with last years newspaper from the same date. He didn't even notice! — Green Monk Copy Share Image
When you see a guy opening a car door for a girl, it's either a new car...or a new girl! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did. — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Talking with an atheist is like trying to reason with someone who denies the existence of the sun. — Ray Comfort Copy Share Image
It is really funny to see people that you know acting unpleasantly just because there are TV cameras on. — Penn Jillette Copy Share Image
I never prayed that I would make a putt. I prayed that I would react well if I missed. — Chi Chi Rodriguez Copy Share Image
Why don't you say "What?" if you like to sleep with your own sister. — The Undertaker Copy Share Image
Many are friends to the success of reformation, not to reformation. — Samuel Rutherford Copy Share Image
The more you connect to the Power within you, the more you can be free in all areas of your life. — Louise Hay Copy Share Image
It's funny how the smallest things I've done speak the loudest about me, but I like that. — Xavier Niel Copy Share Image
