Funny Quotes · Page 799

We did not happen to be--we were chosen by God to exist.

— Mother Angelica

We never better enjoy ourselves than when we most enjoy God.

— Benjamin Whichcote

Don't tell me that my parents didn't build their business,

— Nikki Haley

They should make a beer called Mondays. That would be a case of the Mondays I wouldn't mind having.

— Anonymous

Lazy rule: If it isn't on the 1st page of Google, it doesn't exist.

— Anonymous

Hey I just met you, and this is crazy but here's my digits so fuck me crazy !

— Mitchell Sakundiak

If I'm going to make a fake movie, it's going to be a fake hit.

— Alan Arkin

When you meet women, don't pretend to be anything that you're not.

— Ralph Fiennes

I really related to Ellen more than anybody. I loved the way she had a way of taking small details in life…

— Deon Cole

Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the…

— Rita Rudner

I think the funny thing about acting for me - and I hold it in a very holy, spiritual way - not…

— Melissa Leo

Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth, unfiltered by…

— Stephen Colbert

“Yeah,” said Harry. “No more pretending we care what happens when Jupiter and Uranus get too friendly . . .” “And from…

— J.K. Rowling

“Her guts told her that something was amiss. Alexandra only spoke to her intestines once in a while, so she wasn’t sure…

— J.S. Mason

I like Jacques Derrida; I think he's funny. I like my philosophy with a few jokes and puns. I know that that…

— Alan Moore

Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden.…

— Erma Bombeck

Flip phones are just awesome. At the end of a heated argument, you can always flip it like Bitch, whatever!

— Sky

Everybody picks up on the sensational things, but no one really gets it.

— GG Allin

Your mom is like a mosquito because when I slapped her she stopped sucking.

— Amit Verma

Speaking of friends, the best ones always have your back.

— Selena Gomez

Youtube has so much commericals thats it's not funny anymore.

— Anonymous

And we're just all made of molecules and we're hurtling through space right now.

— Sarah Silverman

A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

— Ernest Hemingway

I do not quote from the scriptures; I simply see what I see.

— Kabir

You can do anything you think you can. This knowledge is literally the gift of the gods.

— Robert Collier

You must get rid of the thought of competition. You are to create, not to compete for what is already created.

— Wallace D. Wattles

“Better to have to retrace your steps and then move forward than never to move forward at all.”

— Anne Burack Sayre

Getting married last lowers your chances of getting divorced first.

— Anonymous

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

— George Carlin

“Expired condoms are like nuclear waste: there's nothing sensible you can do with it.”

— Andrew Smith

I like to use big words so people will think I know what I'm talking about.

— Jerry Coleman

Ugliness is better than beauty. It lasts longer and in the end, gravity will get us all.

— Johnny Depp

The picture is in your head, in your imagination, everything.

— Federico Fellini

“Don't trip over the mycelium unless you've gotten over the branches”

— Noah Reznik

Should I marry W.? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name.

— Woody Allen

Life doesn't give me lemons anymore. Not after what happened last time.

— Psyche_Zeroh

My worth to God publicly is measured by what I really am in my private life.

— Oswald Chambers

You’re not going to get anything politically correct out of me.

— Kid Rock

LOVE, A sea of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses;

— Nikhil Saluja

“It was as if she was a wannabe Persian cat who had just tasted sour milk.”

— Adele Rose