I made a killing in the stock market. My broker lost all my money, so I killed him. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I made a birdhouse,” he said confidently. “And I painted it to look like Hogwarts.” — Megan Duke Copy Share Image
The longer I live the greater is my respect for manure in all its forms. — Elizabeth von Arnim Copy Share Image
Elected officials shouldn't get to choose who gets to choose elected officials. — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
Bitch, please your so ugly that gold fish crackers don't even smile back! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
When you are being what you really are you absolutely flourish in the midst of absolutely everything. — John de Ruiter Copy Share Image
That is simply the most beautiful publishing office in the world, with that cranky old building in that wonderful park. — Jim Harrison Copy Share Image
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
My dad is a storyteller. I've heard his funny stories 500 times, but I would never stop him because he tells them… — Sarah Millican Copy Share Image
Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake… — Dane Cook Copy Share Image
Is there any indication we shouldn't be depressed - are you living on the same planet that I am? Do you ever… — Marc Maron Copy Share Image
“You know Quinn?" Macaulay asked me. "Ten minutes ago I was putting him to bed." Macaulay grinned. "I hope you keep his… — Dashiell Hammett Copy Share Image
Stories in families are colossally important. Every family has stories: some funny, some proud, some embarrassing, some shameful. Knowing them is proof… — Salman Rushdie Copy Share Image
“Ren took off his jacket, which slicited a squeak from Jennifer who was now totally focused on Ren's golden-bronze biceps. His perfectly… — Colleen Houck Copy Share Image
Peter [Facinelli] would be so good at doing that. I want him to do the Beyoncé biopic. — Robert Pattinson Copy Share Image
I wasn't that drunk... Dude, you were in my bathroom begging my sponge for the krabby patty formula. e_e — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I have always considered myself, when I learned what the word meant, I've always considered myself a Pagan. — Timothy Leary Copy Share Image
Nurse: A woman that wakes you up in the middle of the night to give you sleeping pills. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
Sometimes what I actually love to do is go to a farm and get fresh milk or watch a pig get slaughtered. — Jake Gyllenhaal Copy Share Image
Love your enemies. They'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it. — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin. — Sarah Silverman Copy Share Image
I love you enough to be seen in public wearing matching Halloween costumes. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You know, circumstances can change, but I'm just not going to let my head go there, — Mitt Romney Copy Share Image
![“Peter [Facinelli] would be so good at doing that. I want him to do the Beyoncé biopic.” quote by Robert Pattinson](https://sms4smile.com/q/i/634/robert-pattinson-778_funny_peter-facinelli-would-be-so-good-at-doin_2042701.jpg)
