Funny Quotes · Page 772

“Question: What is love? Answer: A neurochemical con job.”

— Samantha Solz

What I expect is a little more respect from a fellow manager.

— Sam Allardyce

Once you've put one of his books down, you simply can't pick it up again.

— Mark Twain

Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.

— Ritu Ghatourey

I think my funny books are my favorites because I like to laugh so much.

— Dav Pilkey

Three Things to Coltivate... Courage, Cheerfulness and Contentment.

— Nikhil Saluja

Say EYE Then spell M.A.P Then sayNESS…feel dumb don't you?

— Brittany

Tell everyone you know: “My happiness depends on me, so you're off the hook.

— Esther Hicks

“This is just your penis having the feels for my vagina. Your penis is making prank calls! and every single time your…

— Penny Reid

At a Metro station, I got called out by my character name - Meera - and I realised that I had started…

— Mithila Palkar

Life was much simpler when we could play a friendly game of red rover and just clothesline the people we didn't like.

— Anonymous

It was a role [Dean Sanderson] I hadn't seen before, and yet it was very accessible and relatable at the same time.…

— Rob Lowe

What Happened to Eminem? I LOVE Him! But did he like just drop off the face of the world? You Never Hear…

— Anonymous

Venom' is a standalone character who has so much attitude, menace and ferocity. He's also really funny in the comics and in…

— Ruben Fleischer

“She said several times that Malcolm was a fiend who was determined to destroy his children, and that I was the devil…

— Dick Francis

Inspirational tweet of the day: If you ever feel like you're about to do something you're going to regret later, do it.

— Nikhil Saluja

“Funny how something awful can turn around and become wonderful.”

— Jamie Beck

Everybody has the same amount of time during the day. You can either spend your time or invest your time.

— Chip Kelly

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!

— Mitch Hedberg

I really do have rules for running and managing a business that have never been formalized before.

— Martha Stewart

Greenspan, who knew so much more than most, knew far less than most supposed ...

— Alan Greenspan

A careful driver is one who honks their horn when going through a red light

— Toni Watson

I will sit down now, but the time will come when you will hear me.

— Benjamin Disraeli

Instead of b*tching about me in your status, just tag me in it next time.

— Anonymous

Don't Take It Seriously * When the MILKMAN says, Do you want it in the front or the back?

— Nikhil Saluja

I am so bad that He had to die. I am so loved that He was glad to die.

— Timothy Keller

At least my happiness doesn't depend on Ron's goalkeeping ability.

— Anonymous

You know you're a success when people tell you, “I like me best when I'm with you.”

— Denis Waitley

May you someday have the same right as straight men to subject a spouse to humiliating sex scandals.

— Anonymous

I know it's going to be just magical, and almost certainly going to be over quickly - on playing Sharapova.

— Casey Dellacqua

We as consumers really do have the right to know what's in our food,

— Gary Hirshberg

I hate how after an arguement I think of more clever shit I should have said.

— Fading_scars

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

— George Carlin

It's alright to fool around just be careful when it gets real.

— Anthony Barger

Do not be afraid to go forth and announce the Risen Christ,

— Pope Francis

From the very beginning I felt that I would do a series,

— Barnett Newman

I hate when women say that all men want from them is sex, coz that's bullshit. We want you for blowjobs too.

— Nikhil Saluja

Don't ever sell mankind short by saying there's anything they can't do.

— Fredric Brown

Instead of incarcerating pedophiles, why don't we use them as crash test dummies?

— Laura S

Sometimes I wonder how many miles I've scrolled my mouse wheel.

— Punkinhead Abhishek