Funny Quotes · Page 730

Most men die at 25, we just don't bury them until they are 70.

— Benjamin Franklin

It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine.

— Erma Bombeck

I am searching for the truth. Somewhere, it's in the music.

— Paula Cole

When resistance no longer serves you, you'll no longer have it.

— John de Ruiter

Teacher: what comes after 69? Student: mouthwash. Teacher: GET OUT!

— Anonymous

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

— Paul R. Ehrlich

Don't live the same year seventy-five times and call it a life.

— Robin S

Humility is one of the most repulsive virtues, nearly always false.

— George Mikes

I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each others hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves…

— Anonymous

Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.

— Andy Borowitz

“Christopher felt a smile -his first genuine smile in a long time- pulling at his lips. "Does Miss Hathaway have many suitors?"…

— Lisa Kleypas

“I had no idea how to respond, and opted for a smile, which serves me well on most occasions (not if it's…

— Gail Honeyman

When I was younger, my sister thought it was funny to pretend to punch me in the face because my mom was…

— Amy Adams

It's the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central, and they've been…

— Daniel Tosh

The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the…

— Al Gore

Male comics are always coming up to me and they're like 'Hey Natasha. Don't you think you're a little attractive to be…

— Natasha Leggero

There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.

— Kristen Chandler

The best part of your life is when your family becomes your friends and your friends become your family.

— Anonymous

There is no place more delightful than one's own fireside. Nullus est locus domestica sede jucundior.

— Marcus Tullius Cicero

HR Manager is a person who thinks that... a Donkey can deliver a Human Baby - if given 9 Months !!!

— Nikhil Saluja

I'm glad we'll have a night to rehearse getting blind drunk for the actual wedding reception

— Anonymous

That is the best -- to laugh with someone because you think the same things are funny.

— Gloria Vanderbilt

“It'd be funny if one of them was called Gavin. Funny but irrelevant.”

— John Marsden

Life, alas, is very drear. Up with the glass! Down with the beer!

— Louis Untermeyer

For the organic food, the less it's designed, the better it is

— Philippe Starck

If one could possess, grasp, and know the other, it would not be other.

— Emmanuel Levinas

Screaming "Your not my real LADDER!" at your Step ladder.

— Anonymous

We are loved by Love itself. There is nothing good that we can't do.

— Maya Angelou

The best birthdays of all are those that havent arrived yet.

— Anonymous

Lf you think this page is awesome haha then you should try Keep Laughing

— Anonymous

If I don't have anything to do all day, I might not even put my pants on.

— Jennifer Lawrence

Imagine that, a poncho sombrero combo, I'll be off my tits on happiness.

— Noel Fielding

If y0u want t0 die. d0nt let others suFfer on the c0nsequences that it would bring.

— Meggy

When women talk to each other, the devil sits in a corner quietly, learning! ;D

— Ritu Ghatourey

This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever.

— Sigmund Freud

We're far worse than we ever imagined, and far more loved than we could ever dream.

— Timothy Keller

Sorry girl, I know you enjoy being single, but I am going to take that away from you.

— Anonymous

Reegan scowled at Cath. "Are you Zack, or are you Cody?".

— Rainbow Rowell

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

— George Carlin

I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.

— Anonymous