A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
Anything you don't understand is dangerous until you do understand it. — Larry Niven Copy Share Image
We must alter theory to adapt it to nature, but not nature to adapt it to theory. — Claude Bernard Copy Share Image
I think I have a good sense of humor, but I don't consider myself funny. — Da'Vine Joy Randolph Copy Share Image
Get on in life because life will get on without you if you don't keep up. — Zayn Malik Copy Share Image
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
When you do more than you're paid for eventually you'll be paid for more than you do. — Zig Ziglar Copy Share Image
“Remind me to show you the latest e-mail from Courtney," he said now, kicking at a rock on the sidewalk. "You won't… — Aimee Agresti Copy Share Image
If I am totally honest, I would have to say that ''Allo 'Allo!' was not my cup of tea, even though lots… — Jo Brand Copy Share Image
My annoying friend said that running will get my mind off things. He's right, I felt much better after I ran him… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
“She didn't care that people called her a bitch. 'It's just another word for feminist,' she told me with pride.” — Gayle Forman Copy Share Image
I'm doing what I love, and then I get months and months of rest. I have a lot of money for a… — Jennifer Lawrence Copy Share Image
Corin Nemec, who was on television for years, has been through a similar thing. We both had TV shows, we've had to… — David Faustino Copy Share Image
It's funny because I think that genre literature can be looked down on by literature literature. And I like that! I like… — Don Winslow Copy Share Image
I wonder if Jersey Shore is making Italian-Americans long for the days of only being stereotyped as members of murderous crime syndicates. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
When an Italian tells me it's pasta on the plate, I check under the sauce to make sure. — Alex Ferguson Copy Share Image
I think the reason Jesus is so popular, just on a celebrity level, is that he died at the peak of his… — Marc Maron Copy Share Image
I'm always in situations where you can't be funny, and yet I want to do it anyway. — Tim Heidecker Copy Share Image
The question is not "To be or not to be," it is what we should be until we are not. — Soren Kierkegaard Copy Share Image
I don't need to be NUMBER 1 in something. As long as I am not as TRYING HARD as YOU ARE. shame… — ALYSSA Copy Share Image
Steve Buscemi, in between takes, becomes like a clam. It's hard to get a word out of him. It's very funny. — Peter Stormare Copy Share Image
Don't depend on something that comes from outside. Outside things are never going to make you happy. — Swami Satchidananda Copy Share Image
I went to work and did a lot of homework about what was wrong with me — Margot Kidder Copy Share Image
Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine? — Frank Carson Copy Share Image
I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
It’s not when you press the shutter, but why you press the shutter. — Mary Ellen Mark Copy Share Image
Either you will be under the blood or you will place the blood under you. — Adrian Rogers Copy Share Image
Pretending to never get the text, from An annoying person who won't leave you alone -.- — Anonymous Copy Share Image
We don't wear sequins because we think we're great. We wear them because we think sequins are great. — Gram Parsons Copy Share Image
At every concert I've sensed a certain insecurity about the tempo. It's clearly marked 80...uh, 69. — Eugene Ormandy Copy Share Image
