Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Yo can’t reason someone out of something he didn’t reason himself into. — Jonathan Raymond Copy Share Image
Cabaret is a great format. All you have to do is sing and be funny sporadically. — Julie Klausner Copy Share Image
If you can't pay for a thing, don't buy it. If you can't get paid for it, don't sell it. — Benjamin Franklin Copy Share Image
Parents, just keep in mind that kids will always round off to the nearest obscenity.. — Ray Romano Copy Share Image
Being so pale, your mom has to make you wear blush someday's ._. Cause otherwise you'd look like a ghost…lol — Rachel Copy Share Image
Out of a hundred years a few minutes were made that stayed with me, not a hundred years. — Antonio Porchia Copy Share Image
Playgrounds are like microcosms of the world, aren't they? So you look around and you go, 'This is the world, is it?… — Lesley Sharp Copy Share Image
I was fooling everyone by surrounding myself with funny people. But then I put myself out there - writing my own sketches,… — Carly Craig Copy Share Image
“Men were good for one thing only. Killing spiders. Other than that, I was on my own. It was sad though. Where… — Kate Carlisle Copy Share Image
The small amount of people that control the discourse around painting - I thought that the whole museum world was just a… — Fred Tomaselli Copy Share Image
I think someone should design exercise machines that reward people with sex at the end of their workouts, because people will perform… — Tina Fey Copy Share Image
Because they have been in love they have survived everything that life could throw at them, even their own failures. — Peter Ustinov Copy Share Image
You know, Lincoln was funny. I don't think F.D.R. was very funny. But Lincoln was funny. Lincoln was really funny. But I… — Al Franken Copy Share Image
When u feel lonely and alone & cannot see any one around you, the world seems to be fading away, come along… — A Josland Copy Share Image
But it's funny how the memory works and how sometimes we just belive whatever we want. — Chris Bohjalian Copy Share Image
I always wanted to be the first. It didn't matter where you start counting from. — Pranav Copy Share Image
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos? — Ron Alderson Copy Share Image
In preschool, I would plan out my show-and-tell every week to be funny and exciting. — Maxim Knight Copy Share Image
Would you have a friend who talks to you the way you talk to yourself? — Callie Khouri Copy Share Image
I never cheat in life. I only make my own rules because cheaters never win in life — MrAwesome Copy Share Image
Its useless to hold a person to anything they say when they are in love, drunk, or running for office. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
KISSING, An action that only marriage can transform from a pleasure to a duty — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you last night... Well I say dream I mean nightmare... you were a Yankee fan.” — Nicole McKay Copy Share Image
Without the mind there is no Buddha. Without the Buddha there's no mind. — Bodhidharma Copy Share Image
When I'm with my friends I'm funny, but I don't feel like I'm a funny clown — Nora Dunn Copy Share Image
Whoever makes you smarter a little earlier in life makes you better — Charlie Munger Copy Share Image
We all love the kid who entertains the class by disrespecting the teacher but somehow NEVER gets in trouble. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Don't call me an alcoholic, they drink everyday, I drink every night, I am a PROFESSIONAL!!! GET IT RIGHT!! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
That awkward moment when people start stuff on your Facebook status and you just don't want to get involved. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The awkward moment when teachers call it cheating but students call it teamwork. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
