Funny Quotes · Page 708

I love doing stuff with Todd Barry and Jon Benjamin. We give the stage to good bands and funny people.

— David Cross

Facebook's timeline is my favorite way to watch girls from high school get fat.

— Anonymous

“He made my truth light and funny without diminishing the importance of it.”

— Tarryn Fisher

Everything seem way longer when it's only a few minutes away.

— Anonymous

Kagura: It’s the same as always. He doesn’t pursue those who leave, and ignores those who come.

— Hideaki Sorachi

A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.

— Robert Benchley

By the way, I'm funniest when I'm not being funny. I'm better to laugh at than with, pretty much.

— Jemima Kirke

A females smile is better than the duckface…unless her teeth are fucked up. -Just Saying

— Ephrem Hardin

I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out.…

— Russell Howard

“Also, vaginas seem to have less personality than penises, so “Is this your vagina?” would probably be difficult to answer. If someone…

— Jenny Lawson

Since I was little, every role I had in a play was the funny witch. You know in every musical, it's like,…

— Rachel Sennott

Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless…

— Mitch Hedberg

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

— Nikhil Saluja

Everything I experience in life, I put through the sausage-maker that is comedy, and then try to make it funny for others.…

— Russell Howard

Sometimes two people stay together for the sake of the kids - two kids who sat under a full moon and pledged…

— Robert Breault

I like Strahan a lot. I've known him for years. He was a Giant here - in many ways. Had a big…

— Regis Philbin

I'm looking for a woman who's head is mixed up like mine.

— Bob Dylan

This wine is forty years old. It certainly doesnt show its age.

— Anonymous

The Tudors, I don't even know if I had a family back then.

— Karl Pilkington

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

— Anonymous

Age is something that doesnt matter, unless you are a cheese.

— Anonymous

I was born intelligent but education ruined it. just kidding

— Michael Angelo De Leon

There are known knowns and known unknowns, but what we should be worried about most is the unknown unknowns.

— Gary Marcus

What's this business of being a writer. It's just putting one word after another.

— Irving Thalberg

I find it hard to say, because when I was there it seemed to be shut.

— Clement Freud

I have no place in my life for someone who is sure he can do everything. --Steelmind

— Mercedes Lackey

No man is really successful until his mother-in-law admits it.

— Vikrant Parsai

They said how you been I said with my hands, knees, and elbows.

— Jerome Vance

Something rubs off from everything you read, observe, and tinker with.

— R. F. Delderfield

The family has always been the cornerstone of American society.

— Ronald Reagan

Laughter is the best medicine... but if you laugh for no reason, you need a medicine...

— Anonymous

Has it ever occurred to you that you can only love when you are alone?

— Anthony de Mello

You can manage what you do not understand; but you cannot lead it.

— Myron Tribus

If you don't do stupid things when your young, then you won't have funny stuff to talk about when you get old.

— Anonymous

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.

— W. H. Auden

There are more 'Don'ts' in golf than there are in any other avocation in life.

— Arnold Haultain

Nothing is like it seems, but everything is exactly like it is.

— Yogi Berra

“Very nice and funny, but he put the 'or' in man-whore.”

— J. Lynn

“Would you look at you two? What's the special occa-ouch!”

— Virginia Smith

Maydens, be they never so foolyshe, yet beeing fayre they are commonly fortunate.

— John Lyly