Funny Quotes · Page 662

There are worse occupations in this world than feeling a woman's pulse.

— Laurence Sterne

Those embaressing VIDEOS of you & your friends.. trying to take a picture. d:

— Anonymous

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

— Jon Stewart

Choose to take fate by the neck and shake the living heck out of her.

— Anonymous

One day we'll all look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

— Ash Sweeney

Impossibility is more possible than everything which we hold to be possible.

— Karl Barth

It was unworthy of our military sources that they were the first to weaken.

— Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

We love super-silly moments, funny moments, serious moments, weird moments.

— Riki Lindhome

I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having…

— Demetri Martin

When I started, I wanted to be thought of as tortured and seductive, not funny, but humor tends to be a reflexive…

— Mark Leyner

I thought 'Borat' was a breakthrough comedy, because it was really funny. It wasn't some studio-produced script with 14 writers.

— Steve Martin

If you're going to take a risk as a comic, make sure it's surrounded by other things that you're certain are funny.

— Fred Willard

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have…

— Jimmy Carr

I don't care about offending people. That just doesn't excite me. There are some comics that love it and they love pushing…

— Nate Bargatze

This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty…

— Dave Barry

“(on the word "fuck") 'Oh, come on, Mum,' I sighed at her protest. 'It's just an old Anglo-Saxon word for the female…

— Simon Pegg

If today is the first day of the rest of your life . . . what the hell was yesterday?

— Ritu Ghatourey

Doing good to others is the # one great Universal Religion

— Swami Vivekananda

Journalists belong in the gutter because that is where the ruling classes throw their guilty secrets.

— Gerald Priestland

The one thing you can't take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me.

— Viktor E. Frankl

There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.

— Josh Billings

“You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him participate in synchronized diving.”

— Cuthbert Soup

“What's wrong with her soul?" "Nothing.  She's just not actually in possession of it.”

— Rachel Vincent

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

— Steven Wright

“The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.”

— Woody Allen

I can be approached, but never pushed; befriended but never coerced; killed, but never shamed.

— Yi Sun-sin

We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves.

— Marie Curie

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

— Tim Vine

All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag o chips...

— Ana

Death is not an experience in life; we do not live to experience death.

— Ludwig Wittgenstein

The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.

— Lenny Bruce

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

— Rita Rudner

Just Kidding: Saying what you really want and getting away with it.

— Celeste Hartman

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

— Anonymous

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

— Steven Wright

Progress is a continuing effort to make the things we eat, drink and wear as good as they used to be.

— Anonymous

Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed... into my mouth.

— Louis C. K

He's a jokester, and that's funny, very funny. Ha-ha. Very funny.

— Shaquille O'Neal

The whole effect of activity is to enrich the feeling of the other.

— Maharishi Mahesh Yogi

Welcome the One that has kissed you from within. It is from inside everything comes.

— Mooji