40 is when your body gives your brain a list of things its not going to do anymore. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I don't like to think myself as 'Special' I like to think myself as limited edition — Anonymous Copy Share Image
An Airedale can do anything any other dog can do and then whip the other dog if he has to. — Theodore Roosevelt Copy Share Image
A man wears the pants in a relationship but the woman tells the man which pair to put on. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Retirement life begins when the kids move out and the cat gets run over. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If you never want to see a man again, say, I love you, I want to marry you. I want to have… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Student: Can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: You should've gone during the break Student: I'm sorry I haven't planned out my… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It's funny: here I am, a guy who plays in one of the world's biggest classic-rock bands, and to tell you the… — Rickey Medlocke Copy Share Image
The funny thing was, with IT, I was never really a tech type of person: I was better with people, good at… — Sheamus Copy Share Image
America is not a wily, sneaky nation. We don't think that way. We don't think much at all, thank God. Start thinking… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
If you had sex 365 times in 12 months and melted down the rubbers to make a tire, what would you have??… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I admire that about the Republicans: The evidence does not faze them. They are not bothered at all by the facts. — William J. Clinton Copy Share Image
Humor is unavoidable. It might not feel funny in the moment, but more often than not there's a light at the end… — Ron Howard Copy Share Image
Confession. 3.) My Favorite Band Is One Direction But My Favorite SingerIs Ed Sheeran¥ — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'm the leader, not a follower. Unless it's a dark place then fuck that shit, you're going first. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You don't know what's on the inside until you put a demand on your potential. — Joel Osteen Copy Share Image
Personally, I think Jim Henson said it best when he said "Anybody got an aspirin? I think I've got a cold." — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
When you are getting beat to death, get your head out of the mixer. — Richard Dennis Copy Share Image
It's better to do nothing with your money than something you don't understand. — Suze Orman Copy Share Image
In general, I gravitate toward anything where I can be funny, but as a consumer myself, I enjoy dramedies. — Ego Nwodim Copy Share Image
Some people have the time but they don't have time while others have time but do not have the time. — Jacques Prevert Copy Share Image
You would be amazed how much I'm wrong when people say guess what. — Celeste Hartman Copy Share Image
The sooner you learn it's on you to make life interesting, the better off you'll be. — Maria Semple Copy Share Image
Afraid of death? Not at all. Be a great relief. Then I wouldn't have to talk to you. — Katharine Hepburn Copy Share Image
Everything in your business can be outsourced... if you're not emotionally attached to doing it all. — Richard Branson Copy Share Image
When we exist, death is not yet present, and when death is present, then we do not exist. — Epicurus Copy Share Image
Film Twitter is a funny place. I often dip my toe into it. I'm entertained and horrified in equal measures. — Harris Dickinson Copy Share Image
I only lie for sex or money or to practice for when I need to lie for sex or money. — Stephen Schneider Copy Share Image
“Sometimes, if you close your eyes and keep still, you can be invisible. Ostriches know this." - Constantine” — Jamie Delano Copy Share Image
I was never one who looked at success as bad. For me, success was always good. I loved it, and still do. — Donald Trump Copy Share Image
And who are the greater criminals-those who sell the instruments of death, or those who buy them and use them? — Robert E. Sherwood Copy Share Image
I'm not a broad comic, but I think I can be funny and I think I make people laugh. — Lennie James Copy Share Image
