If sharks really can smell blood, then Id imagine theyre all salivating over my erection right now — Shubham Joshi Copy Share Image
Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs. — Christopher Hampton Copy Share Image
You know, funny is this weird word for me. I hear is so many times it has no meaning anymore. — Bruce McCulloch Copy Share Image
A girl who loves you for who you are is priceless. for all other girls, there is master card! — Green Monk Copy Share Image
They say smile is the secret to stay young and cute... hHmMm.. hey? whats that smile f0r?.. :) — Megz Copy Share Image
“I was surprised he didn't just spit the nails into the wood like Popeye the Sailor Man.” — Josh Lanyon Copy Share Image
I'm not your second choice neither your backup plan. So don't text me when you're bored. — Amarjeet Das Copy Share Image
If you can't go to sleep quickly, I suggest reading a school textbook in bed. I guarantee you will be out in… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I did work in a bakery for one day. But the boss went off and when he came back I was lying… — Noel Fielding Copy Share Image
I'm a big boy, but I can get jiggy with it. Ladies, I will go to dance clubs, and I will tear… — Gabriel Iglesias Copy Share Image
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind -- a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
“You read a book for the story, for each of its words," Gordy said, "and you draw your cartoons for the story,… — Sherman Alexie Copy Share Image
You should never pick up a newspaper when you're feeling good, because every newspaper has a special department, called the Bummer Desk,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
There is no either / or between being competitive and collaborative. You have to be both and decide which in each situation. — Cathie Black Copy Share Image
To a child, 'The Little Prince' is the story of a boy who falls from the sky, meets lots of funny people… — Maria Konnikova Copy Share Image
If I were to read about me purely on Twitter, I wouldn’t know what to make of me. — Jeremy Scahill Copy Share Image
If you're going to affirm something, affirm the truth. Then go do something about it. — Jim Rohn Copy Share Image
I thought that unless people know me, they wouldn't find me funny. — Heather McDonald Copy Share Image
If my story were ever to be written truthfully from start to finish, it would amaze everyone. — Henri Matisse Copy Share Image
There is something I do not know, the knowing of which could change everything. — Werner Erhard Copy Share Image
I live my life one weekend at time, for those two days nothing else matters, I am FREE. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If your business is not on the Internet, then your business will be out of business. — Bill Gates Copy Share Image
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I'm excited there's a 1 in 176 million chance I don't have to go to work on Monday. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Weirdly, for someone who wanted to be funny, I didn't like a lot of attention. — Michael Keaton Copy Share Image
What's the trick to writing a genuinely funny comedy? The trick is therapy. Take notes. — Lake Bell Copy Share Image
Why was it that they could never shout like that about something that mattered? — George Orwell Copy Share Image
Mike Caldwell, the Padres' right-handed southpaw, will pitch tonight. — Jerry Coleman Copy Share Image
If u smile when things go wrong its because you already found someone to blame it on — 13 Yearold Copy Share Image
Choosing is existence. To the extent that you don't choose, you don't exist, — John Barth Copy Share Image
