I've confessed to everything and I's liked to be hanged. Now, if you please — Franny Billingsley Copy Share Image
I think I throw the ball as hard as anyone. The ball just doesn't get there as fast. — Eddie Bane Copy Share Image
Fighting online is so stupid. I mean...What are you gonna do? Busta CAPS LOCK on my ass? — Stephanie Copy Share Image
I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Next time u're in front of the mirror try fixing something besides your face! — DeAngelo Stokes Copy Share Image
“Oh, storms yes! Everybody, give the Lopen your spheres! I have glowing that needs to be done.” — Brandon Sanderson Copy Share Image
I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I got pregnant at 40 by surprise. It's funny, because when we found out we were pregnant, I said, 'Okay, let's experience… — Julianna Margulies Copy Share Image
When you describe your friend and you show a picture of your friend and the person your showing it to is like… — Candie Copy Share Image
If it's funny or it's good, then yeah, I'll do it. Whether it's big-screen or whatever wouldn't be the deciding factor for… — Matt Berry Copy Share Image
What's the difference between the IQ of a stupid guy and one of a mosquito? About 5 points. How do you even… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
When I was coming out of depression, I made one random video. It wasn't funny or anything, but just the idea that… — Lilly Singh Copy Share Image
Okayy, I feel like I'm blowing up your newsfeed with things from my summer bucket list. Sorry! I'm done for now:P hahaha — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I think I might vote for Barack Obama. Because I live in New York City and have been giving black guys change… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
For me personally, being a comedian is having funny ideas and saying them: it's not just saying them. I need the complete… — Frank Skinner Copy Share Image
My Mother's Day gift to you is not deleting the embarrassing comments you make on my Facebook Wall. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
That awkward moment when you're that one friend who always gives relationship advice, but is still single. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'm going to be who I really am. I'm going to figure out what this is. — Stephen Chbosky Copy Share Image
Well, it looks like the all-star balloting is about over, especially in the National and American Leagues. — Jerry Coleman Copy Share Image
I use the free Wi-Fi at Starbucks to complain to Starbucks about how slow their free Wi-Fi is. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If we extend our senses, we will consequently extend our knowledge. — Neil Harbisson Copy Share Image
I became very sensitive to what will happen to all this and all of us. — Albert Hofmann Copy Share Image
There are more men than women in mental hospitals...which just goes to show who's driving whom crazy. — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
Freedom comes not from resisting truth, but from applying it. — D. Todd Christofferson Copy Share Image
People say laughter is the best medicine. Your face must be curing the world. — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
The awkward moment is when you see twins fighting and one calls the other ugly. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Everyone always wins I love you more battles with me, but you will never win I miss you more;) — Rachel Copy Share Image
If a secret is revealed, the person who has confided it to another is to be blamed. — Jean de la Bruyere Copy Share Image
No one travelling on a business trip would be missed if he failed to arrive. — Thorstein Veblen Copy Share Image
While we cannot always choose what happens to us, we can choose our responses. — Stephen Covey Copy Share Image
Congratulations to Snooki on proving everything every girl's parents ever told them is wrong. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Instrumental or mechanical science is the noblest and above all others, the most useful. — Leonardo da Vinci Copy Share Image
Sometimes you just need to make a funny face, use a goofy expression, or do an impersonation with a accent. — J Gullang Copy Share Image
Boys are like busses, you wait for one for ages, then suddenly 3 come at the same time... — Anonymous Copy Share Image
