Funny Quotes · Page 557

One day we'll all look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

— Ash Sweeney

Impossibility is more possible than everything which we hold to be possible.

— Karl Barth

It was unworthy of our military sources that they were the first to weaken.

— Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

We love super-silly moments, funny moments, serious moments, weird moments.

— Riki Lindhome

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

— Jon Stewart

Friendship is like peeing in your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth.

— Regha Hanif Malik Fajar's

There are worse occupations in this world than feeling a woman's pulse.

— Laurence Sterne

Those embaressing VIDEOS of you & your friends.. trying to take a picture. d:

— Anonymous

Sailing is just the bottom line, like adding up the score in bridge. My real interest is in the tremendous game of…

— Dennis Conner

When my girlfriend is angry, I go to Facebook and constantly refresh my relationship status to see if I'm single again.

— Anonymous

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men…

— Rita Rudner

“Nico: By the time I drove back home last night, I’d gotten myself under control. I’d reasoned with my hard-on until it…

— Vi Keeland

“I occasionally laugh and tell him that his imperturbability is worth three hundred milligrams of lithium a day to me, and it…

— Kay Redfield Jamison

Bobby Heenan was as quick-witted off the cameras as he was on the camera and just as funny. A great guy and…

— Ted DiBiase Sr

“Quirky, funny, happy-go-lucky dead inside Dexter. No longer Dexter with the knife, Dexter the Avenger. Not until next time.”

— Jeff Lindsay

One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of…

— Proverb

I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. then walk into a pole.

— Anonymous

Books are slow. They require time; they are written slowly, published slowly, and read slowly.

— Lewis Buzbee

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

— Nikhil Saluja

If you're not doing some things that are crazy, then you're doing the wrong things.

— Larry Page

You said you wont leave me alone but where are you now? I'm alone again and I haven't forgotten about you.

— Nikhil Saluja

What is wrong with the prosaic Englishman is what is wrong with the prosaic men of all countries: stupidity.

— George Bernard Shaw

When I drop my phone I act like I've let a newborn baby slip through my hands.

— Anonymous

“What happened to your face?" she asked. "It fell on a fist." He shrugged. "That happens a lot?" "Enough.”

— Melissa de la Cruz

He who loses money, loses much; He who loses a friend, loses much more; He who loses faith, loses all.

— Anonymous

Things will go as they will, and there is no need to hurry to meet them.

— J. R. R. Tolkien

A diet is the penalty we pay for exceeding the feed limit.

— Nateman

PARTNERSHIP, A legal fiction exactly like marriage, but without the major benefits

— Nikhil Saluja

Where there is Peace, there is Culture; Where there is Culture, there is Peace.

— Nicholas Roerich

You can't have filenames longer than 14 chars. You can't even think about them!

— Larry Wall

I look forward to the day when I can be Republican again. I'm an Alan Simpson Republican.

— Alan K. Simpson

Change is not a four letter word...but often your reaction to it is!

— Jeffrey Gitomer

“Thought for the day: Twitter...140 character limit...must be a great tool for fortune cookie writers...”

— E.A. Bucchianeri

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.

— Anonymous

There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.

— Frank Carson

If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

— Rita Rudner

He's a boy, and he's my friend...so techniqually he's my boyfriend..right?:)

— Rachel

It's not about trying to be funny all the time. It's more of a document that hopefully is funny.

— David Cross

I hope you get so many wedding gifts that you don't realize there are none from me.

— Anonymous

If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.

— Jeff Foxworthy