Funny Quotes · Page 555

And who are the greater criminals-those who sell the instruments of death, or those who buy them and use them?

— Robert E. Sherwood

I'm not a broad comic, but I think I can be funny and I think I make people laugh.

— Lennie James

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure.

— Anonymous

What you know you know. What you don't know, you don't know. This is knowledge.

— Confucius

I was extremely lucky that I had two great wives. It sounds a bit funny to say that, but it's absolutely true.

— Edmund Hillary

Film Twitter is a funny place. I often dip my toe into it. I'm entertained and horrified in equal measures.

— Harris Dickinson

I only lie for sex or money or to practice for when I need to lie for sex or money.

— Stephen Schneider

“Sometimes, if you close your eyes and keep still, you can be invisible. Ostriches know this." - Constantine”

— Jamie Delano

I really like Akshay Kumar. He can be funny and weird while at the same time. His films are always interesting and…

— Kiku Sharda

The little dictator who went to Moscow in his green fatigues to receive a bear hug did not forsake the doctrine of…

— Ronald Reagan

Anybody pretending to be anything other than who you really are-you will never, ever reach your personal potential.

— Oprah Winfrey

SINCERE PRAY TO GOD!! I'm not asking for me I want something 4 my mother JUST SEND MY MOTHER A COOL AND…

— Kand3n

“Noah held my hand and my bag as he escorted me to the third floor - the Women's Pavilion. The elevator bell…

— Katie McGarry

I always think I should get on it if I want to have kids. Because once you hit thirty it can be…

— Sarah

While you are destroying your mind watching the worthless, brain-rotting drivel on TV, we on the Internet are exchanging, freely and openly,…

— Dave Barry

“Felicia (to Grayson) - To think Eliza truly does seem to be under the misimpression that you're capable of charm.”

— Jen Turano

I was never one who looked at success as bad. For me, success was always good. I loved it, and still do.

— Donald Trump

Execute like there's no tomorrow, strategize like there will be.

— Aaron Levie

“I had a dream about you last night.. You kept screaming at Ted Danson to pour you a drink.”

— Amy Summers

Some theories are good for nothing except to be argued about.

— Georg C. Lichtenberg

The secret of our marriage is chemistry. She's on Valium and I'm on Prozac

— Green Monk

“Blankets are good to carry around if you want to be able to quickly black bag someone.”

— Nicole McKay

You'll never see the hacienda. It doesn't exist. The hacienda must be built.

— Ivan Chtcheglov

If I am occasionally a little over-dressed, I make up for it by being always immensely over-educated.

— Oscar Wilde

I now know how uncomfortable most parents have it when they're having the sex talk with their children.

— Epifania Savea

The creatives are rarely professional and the professionals are rarely creative.

— Simon Sinek

Its my bad luck that I cant differentiate between a candle and a woman ;both are bound to burn.

— Mohd Aariff Khan

T, at least once in your life you tried to drink out of the cup like a dog

— Anonymous

Those that innovate the future understand history the best.

— Rick Warren

We live in an age when pizza gets to your house before the police... but pizza is better than the cops

— Drew Fonner

If you text me and then within the next 3 minutes send me ???, you will not get a reply.

— Anonymous

Americans have mastered the art of living with the unacceptable.

— Breyten Breytenbach

“I confessed I did not have an opinion; I was only thirteen, and this was my very first dismemberment.”

— Rick Yancey

Don't you hate it when you're doing push-ups and you lose count after 1,000...

— Anonymous

It's either the wallpaper or me. One of us has to go. [These were his dying words.]

— Oscar Wilde

We want to ascribe a kind of tragic grimness to people, but people are funny.

— Luis Alberto Urrea

When someone points skyward, its the fool that looks at the finger.

— Ritu Ghatourey

I'm bringing sexy back Oh no. Hunny, your the reason it left.

— Anonymous

Dor: there is a reason God lmits our days. Victor: why? Dor: to make each one precious.

— Mitch Albom

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

— Steven Wright