Funny Quotes · Page 544

“If you're stressing over happiness, you're doing it wrong!”

— Shannon L. Alder

I just recently became aware of how tenuous my life is. I don't have time for fear.

— Mike Phillips

100 times and counting...obsessed much? I think so ^_^ bahahaha:D

— Rachel

See only that thou work and thou canst not escape the reward.

— Ralph Waldo Emerson

You say I'm dirty minded... but how did you understand what I meant?

— Nishan Panwar

My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

— Zach Galifianakis

Stop filtering your nutrients through somebody else's body.

— Gary Yourofsky

Congratulations on finally wearing a tassel on something other than your nipples.

— Anonymous

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked…

— Anonymous

[when asked by his secretary if she should destroy all files that were over ten years old] Yes, but keep copies.

— Samuel Goldwyn

Voyeurism, watching people go about their daily lives, is universally funny, no matter the culture, no matter the anything, it's just always…

— James Murray

It's a funny thing having a recording be part of your career. It means you can go back and revisit yourself, in…

— Samuel Ervin Beam

Good girls own only one credit card & rarely use Bad girls own only one bra & rarely use Naughty girls own…

— Nikhil Saluja

I remember when I was a kid, my father saw an ad somewhere for 'real simulated diamonds' and he was chuckling and…

— Patti Davis

When your parents ask you why you're smiling while reading a text and you're just like 'CAN'T I JUST BE HAPPY?!'

— Anonymous

“Unbeknown to us, some of the people who we hope are missing us wherever they are do miss us; some miss someone…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and…

— Anonymous

The only thing worse than a loser is someone who won't admit he played badly.

— Kevin Spacey

A comic says funny things. A comedian says things funny.

— Ed Wynn

Those who love not their fellow-beings live unfruitful lives, and prepare for their old age a miserable grave.

— Percy Bysshe Shelley

The longer you go by yourself the weirder you get, and the weirder you get the longer you go by yourself.

— Jim Shepard

That time when you freaked out because your name was in a math problem.

— Myself

A lawyer is a gentleman that rescues your estate from your enemies and then keeps it for himself.

— Henry Brougham, 1st Baron Brougham and Vaux

As long as you love meeee¥ Justin & Big Sean at the TCA's

— Anonymous

Don't let a day go by without doing something... no matter how small.

— Robert G. Allen

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

— Jim Norton

Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.

— Tallulah Bankhead

I was attracted to people who were funny because I wanted to be in that world.

— Anne Beatts

Before marriage, her parents wonder when he will go home; after marriage, she wonders when he will come home.

— Vikrant Parsai

“I had a dream about you last night… it was raining and you were fishing for fire to set a sandcastle a…

— Nicole McKay

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

— Jimmy Carr

I was a good student, sort of funny and athletic. I had friends.

— Rosemary Mahoney

That awkward moment when you cant decide if you should cross the street before or after the car goes

— Anonymous

It's funny: wrestlers and comics bond over remembering their best shows and their absolute worst shows.

— Mick Foley

In the age in which we live, the impossible is every day losing ground.

— Anne Sophie Swetchine

Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.

— Andy Borowitz

I'm going as a zombie for Halloween by slouching half-dead at my desk like every other day of the year.

— Anonymous

Procrastination is assassination on the amazing future God has for you.

— Perry Noble

People Spend Time For Earning Money & And Same Money Is Spent For Spending Time.

— Green Monk

If lesbians aren't attracted to men, why are they attracted to women that look like men?

— Anonymous