Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I'm excited there's a 1 in 176 million chance I don't have to go to work on Monday. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Weirdly, for someone who wanted to be funny, I didn't like a lot of attention. — Michael Keaton Copy Share Image
If my story were ever to be written truthfully from start to finish, it would amaze everyone. — Henri Matisse Copy Share Image
There is something I do not know, the knowing of which could change everything. — Werner Erhard Copy Share Image
I live my life one weekend at time, for those two days nothing else matters, I am FREE. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I like to think my sense of humor is sort of smart and dumb at the same time. I like to work… — Robert Lopez Copy Share Image
Dedicated to everyone who r into RELATIONSHIP… Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater… If you give her sperm, she'll… — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
Women in silk stockings can conquer men and men in silk stockings can conquer the bank. 女人ç¨ä¸è¢å¾æäºç·äººï¼ç·äººç¨ä¸è¢å¾æäºé¶è¡ã — Boboniu Copy Share Image
Oftentimes, a funny situation is funny because it's uncomfortable or weird. The most memorable stories, or the stuff that you repeat to… — John C. Reilly Copy Share Image
I think my way of being "funny" is just saying things that people think but have learned not to say, whereas, I… — Victoria Chang Copy Share Image
The funny thing is, I was never purposely blonde. I just got highlights, and then you get highlights over highlights, and then… — Cheri Oteri Copy Share Image
Alright! 2 is out Demi wins.All those girls are beautiful. & towhoever posted Demi hate who admins this page, please fess up.… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
If you're going to affirm something, affirm the truth. Then go do something about it. — Jim Rohn Copy Share Image
I thought that unless people know me, they wouldn't find me funny. — Heather McDonald Copy Share Image
“I was surprised he didn't just spit the nails into the wood like Popeye the Sailor Man.” — Josh Lanyon Copy Share Image
I'm not your second choice neither your backup plan. So don't text me when you're bored. — Amarjeet Das Copy Share Image
If I were to read about me purely on Twitter, I wouldn’t know what to make of me. — Jeremy Scahill Copy Share Image
A girl who loves you for who you are is priceless. for all other girls, there is master card! — Green Monk Copy Share Image
They say smile is the secret to stay young and cute... hHmMm.. hey? whats that smile f0r?.. :) — Megz Copy Share Image
If sharks really can smell blood, then Id imagine theyre all salivating over my erection right now — Shubham Joshi Copy Share Image
Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs. — Christopher Hampton Copy Share Image
You know, funny is this weird word for me. I hear is so many times it has no meaning anymore. — Bruce McCulloch Copy Share Image
Janetty tried to dive through the window to escape, what an act of cowardice. — Bobby Heenan Copy Share Image
You can take the woman outta the trash, but you can't take the trash out a the woman. — Charles de Lint Copy Share Image
I've confessed to everything and I's liked to be hanged. Now, if you please — Franny Billingsley Copy Share Image
I think I throw the ball as hard as anyone. The ball just doesn't get there as fast. — Eddie Bane Copy Share Image
Fighting online is so stupid. I mean...What are you gonna do? Busta CAPS LOCK on my ass? — Stephanie Copy Share Image
I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Next time u're in front of the mirror try fixing something besides your face! — DeAngelo Stokes Copy Share Image
“Oh, storms yes! Everybody, give the Lopen your spheres! I have glowing that needs to be done.” — Brandon Sanderson Copy Share Image
