I'm actually not funny. I'm just really mean and people think I'm joking. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Have you guys ever thought about the fact that socks are like the donut holes of underpants?” — Travis McElroy Copy Share Image
A football team is like a piano. You need eight men to carry it and three who can play the damn thing. — Bill Shankly Copy Share Image
Clint Eastwood's a good friend, too - he and I used to play in softball games together. — Lee Majors Copy Share Image
The people who like me please rAise your hands…...and the people who hates me please RAISE YOUR STANDARDS — SAM (THE BEST Copy Share Image
In person, RuPaul is warm, funny, personable - someone who thoroughly enjoys life. — Jenna Wortham Copy Share Image
As the colonel and I sat swapping stories in the plane, a jet aircraft buzzed past our window. I asked the colonel… — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
We are what we have been told about ourselves. We are the sum of the messages we have received. The true messages.… — Donald Barthelme Copy Share Image
I mean I'm one of those people that laugh at a funeral. And it's always the worst time, but there's always a… — Bianca Del Rio Copy Share Image
It was a typically British birth... I was three at the time. They had a strike in the maternity ward... I came… — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I didn't want to miss that opportunity to be able to enjoy an afternoon fishing with my dad which is something we… — Joe Thomas Copy Share Image
Douche: hey Girl: Douche: HEY Girl: What? Douche: you know, there should be a warning sign on my dick Girl: Excuse me?… — Ella Rojas Copy Share Image
It's really frustrating when you write a show and it's really funny and someone and from Standards and Decency says, 'You can't… — Russell Howard Copy Share Image
