Sometimes when I am home alone I like to Fill my bathtub up with spaghetti and pretend I'm a meatball. — Markd Copy Share Image
The rewards for being sane may not be very many, but knowing what's funny is one of them. — Kingsley Amis Copy Share Image
If its a good idea, go ahead and do it, its much easier to apoligize then it is to get permission — Ana Copy Share Image
If I was fat and had a strong regional accent and was a bloke, I'd be a stand-up. Because I think I'm… — Katie Hopkins Copy Share Image
To sound the alarm is not to panic but to seek action from an aroused public. — John F. Kennedy Copy Share Image
It is a man's own fault, it is from want of use, if his mind grow torpid in old age. — Samuel Johnson Copy Share Image
No one will win the battle of the sexes, there is too much flirting with the enemy. — Henry Kissinger Copy Share Image
That awkward moment when your friend REALLY makes it obvious to your crush that you like him — Bianca Knoechel Copy Share Image
I need music. Without music, my ears are just boring devices used to listen to stupid people talking about meaningless things. — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
Whenever a young comic asks me for advice I only have two things to say. One is to try and do what… — Sean Lock Copy Share Image
“Did you want to change into something more comfortable?” Adrian asks with a raise in his eyebrows, breaking me out of my… — Lilly Avalon Copy Share Image
“Love is like encountering a forest and having to chop down every tree but one. Oh, and you have to chop down… — Dark Jar Tin Zoo Copy Share Image
“Do you want a ride home?" "I rode my bike, and I don't really want to keep it here at the school."… — August Westman Copy Share Image
That's my main flaw: I always think authority figures or my boss is going to think something I do is funny. And… — Jimmy Kimmel Copy Share Image
Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
