Funny Quotes · Page 269

My Ex-Wife was very hot. She died in burning car.

— Nikhil Saluja

My statements are just a statement of fact.

— Nancy Pelosi

If we don’t cannibalize ourselves, someone else will.

— Steve Jobs

What God cares about most is that we are His friends.

— Pope Francis

I cannot do it without comp[u]ters.

— William Shakespeare

Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.

— Phyllis Diller

There is no rampart that will hold out against malice.

— Moliere

Failure is nothing more than learning how to win.

— Robin Sharma

If I am only sure of one thing in life, it's that it's meant to be lived!

— Alex Gaskarth

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it!..

— Mark Twain

Screw the dislike button, what Facebook really needs is an eye-roll button

— Avalon

I'm not a person who can spontaneously say funny things.

— Ashley Williams

If you and sin are friends, you and God are not yet reconciled.

— J. C. Ryle

The American Dream is not to own your own home, but to get your kids out of it.

— Dick Armey

I wish those red, squiggly spellcheck lines would show up when some people talk.

— Anonymous

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem? :P

— Arnold Schwarzenegger

I love gritty dramas, 'Queen Sugar,' 'True Detective' - stuff like that, but I also love quippy comedies - those multi-cam comedies…

— Ser'Darius Blain

My grandma passed in '78, and that's the year I started recording. It's also the year that my dad retired from his…

— Carlene Carter

I like how the Ninja Turtles wear masks. Good way to hide your identity, its not like your a giant turtle or…

— Anonymous

“Look!" Mr. Poe said, who was still too far to help but close enough to see. "Genghis has an eye tattoo, like…

— Lemony Snicket

The BBC say we need more working-class comedies, which is rubbish. We need funny comedies; it doesn't matter where they come from.

— June Whitfield

“I was beginning to think that Simon just had a bad case of OCD, ADD, and PMS. With a little BS and…

— Dannika Dark

That heightened dynamic can produce interesting, funny ideas that are phrased in ways that surprise even you, as the performer.

— Ted Alexandro

I loved being in the film called 'Carnal Knowledge' - the one with Jack Nicholson, which was very dark but a really…

— Rita Moreno

It's headed away by John Clark, using his head.

— Derek Rae

Dancing is the way I move through this crazy life.

— Ewshy

Words divide, pictures unite.

— Otto Neurath

I'll save that for Mrs. Battier.

— Shane Battier

If you think you can't, why think

— Dee Hock

I certainly dont have any airs about myself.

— Jamie Farr

I'm having the worst Monday since last Monday.

— Anonymous

Meaning is context bound, but context is boundless

— Jonathan Culler

There is no greater burden than choosing who to save.

— Kamahl

I take away something from every role.

— Cary Elwes

We got to keep on being a success.

— Irving Berlin

My epiglottis is full of bees!

— Jeremy Clarkson

I never wish to be easily defined.

— Franz Kafka

In every area of our lives we get back what we send out

— Marshall Sylver

I can Kill two stones. With one bird.

— Nikhil Saluja

My neighbor never says I love you too. What a weirdo.

— Green Monk