I have one of those open and shut marriages. My pants are always open and my wife's are always shut. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Sluts should be called, Humpty Dumpty. First they get humped, then they get dumped.. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
Jesus is magic, because he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s or… — Sarah Silverman Copy Share Image
Wikipedia's funny. Some of the stuff on there - I go there occasionally - it's unbelievable the amount of stuff that people… — Sheamus Copy Share Image
My friend said I'm childish something something. Couldn't hear the rest cause I had my fingers in my ear & was saying… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Hey attractive guy, will you smile? I think you have something on your teeth. Hold on let me take a picture to… — Amber Hope Copy Share Image
If the Japanese want to be taken seriously as world financial powers, they'd better quit using the same tailor as variety show… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
“My brain is a vast, barren, jokeless plain where wolves howl at the moon over rocky overhangs and the wind kicks up… — Craig Silvey Copy Share Image
I remember the book The beautiful ones are not yet born now the beautiful ones are on BBM,facebook & twitter, nobody to… — @efiosiugbore Copy Share Image
“Yeah, I was thinking about taking one of those showers where you huddle in the corner fully clothed and cry," Archer offered.” — Rachel Hawkins Copy Share Image
