I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
You win some and you lose some. Unless you're Virgil, then you lose them all. — Bobby Heenan Copy Share Image
When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. — Frederick Bushnell Ryder Copy Share Image
We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast. — Logan Pearsall Smith Copy Share Image
It takes twice as long for me to not get anything done on Monday as it does the rest of the week. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The funny thing about living at Longleat is that there's no 'typical' day, but I usually wake up around 6:45 A. M. — Emma Weymouth Copy Share Image
I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
You have to imagine you write a show about a sponge and you think that maybe a few people will think it… — Stephen Hillenburg Copy Share Image
“How did you do it?" I brought the teacup to my mouth for another sip. "How did you guide Sophie's soul? I… — Rachel Vincent Copy Share Image
“When the first book out my sister-in-law read it and we were chatting at 5 o'clock in the afternoon and she said,… — Sara Sheridan Copy Share Image
“I’m trying to decide whether to tell you two to get a room or go barf in the trash can,” Emma said.… — E.J. Stevens Copy Share Image
We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed… — Gene Perret Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you last night. The best day of my life was when I taught you how to juggle,… — Michael Summers Copy Share Image
