Funny Quotes · Page 125

Our only hope is to control the...

— Medgar Evers

Never build yourself up by tearing another down.

— Larry Winget

I've always been interested in art.

— Arthur Smith

I ain't no movie star, man. I'm a booty star.

— Richard Pryor

“In that moment, I wanted to punch myself in the face.”

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

The entire fruit is already present in the seed.

— Tertullian

I gotta stop letting alcohol pick my Twitter Crushes.

— Green Monk

Congratulations on taking your old job back.

— Anonymous

I'm not saying my ex-girlfriend is a slut I am just saying if everyone's cock had wings she'd be a airport.

— Anonymous

Expect the most wonderful things to happen, not in the future but right now.

— Eileen Caddy

Now it's clear to me/ that everything you see/ ain't always what it seems,

— Katy Perry

I got a teenage daughter and a menopausal wife. One's getting breasts, one's getting whiskers. My life is over.

— Nikhil Saluja

Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn't there, and finding it.

— Oscar Wilde

When one of us says 'look, there is nothing out there,' what we are really saying is, 'I cannot see'.

— Terry Tempest Williams

You can always rely on America to do the right thing -- once it has exhausted the alternatives.

— Winston Churchill

It seems like the L in my luck has been replaced with an F.

— Vicky

Beer:$10, Weed:$20, Condoms:$2.75. Finding out she swallows and has no gag reflex... PRICELESS! Fuck mastercard it pays to discover!

— Anonymous

“Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, doesn’t it?” Michelle said dryly. “That the boy most likely to become the next…

— Carla Cassidy

I never have free time, I don't know about you. You ever go to the cash machine, there's two people in line…

— Jim Gaffigan

My brother and I loved 'ThunderCats' and Robin Williams coming out of an egg in 'Mork & Mindy.' At the time, I…

— Shaun Evans

Years ago, there was a variety theatre in every British town, and people paid to go down and see it. Comedy was…

— Norman Wisdom

I Remember When You Would Say sorry, I'm in a relationship. People would say ohh, best of luck. Now all they say…

— Green Monk

It's funny how the ruthless, murderous gangster has really been romanticized by the media. I mean, I grew up watching the 'Godfathers'…

— Elena Satine

It's surreal to be hanging out on Ozzy's patio with him talking politics. It's so funny when people doubt that he's with…

— Jim Norton

If it goes well with you, then all is well.

— Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

Money can't buy you back the love that you had then

— Taylor Swift

Fear is for people who don’t get out very much.

— Rick Steves

For my second match it's pretty good.

— Anastasia Myskina

Love comes from the most unexpected places.

— Barbra Streisand

My sister, she says she knows Elvis.

— Sheryl Crow

Death, not Romeo, take my maidenhead!

— William Shakespeare

I have always respected everyone's...

— Hazel Scott

I read part of it all the way through.

— Samuel Goldwyn

My fake plants died because I forgot to water them

— Mitch Hedberg

I've got everything I wanted so I'm just happy.

— Usain Bolt

It's funny: There's a lot of comics on 'Breaking Bad.'

— Steven Michael Quezada

Everbody want to go in HEAVEN but nobody want DIE

— Mohammedali Punjani

“i would be twice funny as i m now”

— Nozy

When we are centered in joy, we attain our wisdom.

— Marianne Williamson

Friday is my 2nd favourite F word.

— Anonymous