Witty Quotes

2578 quotes by 728 authors

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? — George Carlin
It's a kind of spiritual snobbery that makes people think they can be happy without money. — Albert Camus
The sad truth is that excellence makes people nervous. — Shana Alexander
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. — George Carlin
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. — George Carlin
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me -… — George Carlin
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? — George Carlin
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. — George Carlin
Atheism is a non-prophet organization. — George Carlin
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. — George Carlin
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. — George Carlin
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. — George Carlin
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. — George Carlin
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. — George Carlin
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? — George Carlin
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. — George Carlin
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. — George Carlin
In the long-run every Government is the exact symbol of its People, with their wisdom and unwisdom; we have to say, Like People like Government. — Thomas Carlyle
Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end; then stop. — Lewis Carroll
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners. — Johnny Carson

Who Wrote These Witty Quotes

728 authors contributed a total of 2,578 Witty Quotes, led by these top contributors: