Witty Quotes

2578 quotes by 728 authors

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing. — Johnny Carson
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. — Johnny Carson
In fact, to gull a fool seems to me an exploit worthy of a witty man. — Giacomo Casanova
Beer. Now there's a temporary solution. — Dan Castellaneta
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there. — Fred Allen
Imitation is the sincerest form of television. — Fred Allen
Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door. — Kyle Chandler
A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that still doesn't mean she can't have a wonderful time… — Cher
Sex: the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable. — Lord Chesterfield
Without education we are in a horrible and deadly danger of taking educated people seriously. — Gilbert K. Chesterton
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her. — Agatha Christie
I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just… — Agatha Christie
You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else. — Winston Churchill
A joke is a very serious thing. — Winston Churchill
I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. — Winston Churchill
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite. — Winston Churchill
No sane man will dance. — Marcus Tullius Cicero
I criticize by creation - not by finding fault. — Marcus Tullius Cicero
Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon. — Tim Allen
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. — Tom Clancy

Who Wrote These Witty Quotes

728 authors contributed a total of 2,578 Witty Quotes, led by these top contributors: