Witty Quotes
2578 quotes by 728 authors
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A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
— Douglas Adams
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Practical politics consists in ignoring facts.
— Henry Adams
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The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
— Dave Barry
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Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
— Joey Adams
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Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
— Joey Adams
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It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
— Dave Barry
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Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
— Dave Barry
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Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
— John Barrymore
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Conquered people tend to be witty.
— Saul Bellow
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I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
— Robert Benchley
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Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
— Robert Benchley
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Your own mind is a sacred enclosure into which nothing harmful can enter except by your permission.
— Arnold Bennett
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A large nose is the mark of a witty, courteous, affable, generous and liberal man.
— Cyrano de Bergerac
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Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
— Ingrid Bergman
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You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
— Milton Berle
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A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
— Milton Berle
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Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
— Milton Berle
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Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
— Yogi Berra
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I never said most of the things I said.
— Yogi Berra
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If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.
— Yogi Berra
Who Wrote These Witty Quotes
728 authors contributed a total of 2,578 Witty Quotes, led by these top contributors: