Sarcastic Quotes

891 quotes by 449 authors

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. — George Carlin
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? — George Carlin
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. — George Carlin
Electricity is really just organized lightning. — George Carlin
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. — George Carlin
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. — George Carlin
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. — George Carlin
If you are ever in doubt as to whether to kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt. — Thomas Carlyle
Sarcasm I now see to be, in general, the language of the devil; for which reason I have long since as good as renounced it. — Thomas Carlyle
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. — Johnny Carson
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. — Fred Allen
What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement. — Fred Allen
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. — Fred Allen
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. — Winston Churchill
You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else. — Winston Churchill
A joke is a very serious thing. — Winston Churchill
I am easily satisfied with the very best. — Winston Churchill
Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others. — Winston Churchill
It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried. — Winston Churchill
A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him. — Winston Churchill

Who Wrote These Sarcastic Quotes

449 authors contributed a total of 891 Sarcastic Quotes, led by these top contributors: