Humorous Quotes

1582 Humorous quotes by 573 unique authors

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less. — Brendan Behan
New York is my Lourdes, where I go for spiritual refreshment... a place where you're least likely to be bitten by a wild goat. — Brendan Behan
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well. — Robert Benchley
A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down. — Robert Benchley
Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini? — Robert Benchley
I've spent enough time with soldiers to know that once they get to know you and they loosen up and become themselves, they are some… — Peter Berg
Happiness is good health and a bad memory. — Ingrid Bergman
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think. — Milton Berle
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. — Milton Berle
Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name. — Milton Berle
Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded. — Yogi Berra
There are four kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy. — Ambrose Bierce
Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. — Ambrose Bierce
An egotist is a person of low taste - more interested in himself than in me. — Ambrose Bierce
What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would… — Ambrose Bierce
I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers. What I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats. — Ambrose Bierce
The covers of this book are too far apart. — Ambrose Bierce
Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones. — Ambrose Bierce
There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory. — Josh Billings
Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed. — Josh Billings

Who Wrote These Humorous Quotes

573 authors contributed a total of 1,582 Humorous Quotes, led by these top contributors: