« All Guy Quotes · Jack Handey's Page
Guy Quotes by Jack Handey
- I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'
- MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all get into the car - I forget what…
- I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with…
- Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back.…
- If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and…
- If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flipper, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flipper, wouldn't you? You'd be…
- I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the…
- I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they…
- It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, the the guy at the…
- I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant…
- Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around…
- There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey," because every week you could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get caught by no…
- You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water…
- Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait.…
- Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have…
- If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both…
- If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has…
- I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns-regular sun and "rogue" sun. That way, when somebody asked me what time it was,…
- Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground. You pull it up and pull it up, but that…
- I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the world. He'd get right up next to your face…
More Guy Quotes
- I don't know I really love u or not. But whenever I think about my life without u it kills me. Whenever… — Anurag Prakash Ray
- Aside from a handful of guys boxing is missing the good trainers, that's why our sport is so in the air now… — Alexis Arguello
- I just let the work speak for itself. An actor is not afraid to take risks; to put on different hats; to… — Kevin Bacon
- Saw some really bad porn said no guy ever. — Nikhil Saluja
- What four realms? (Amanda) Time, space, earth, and dreams. (Talon) Okay, now that is scary. Some of you guys walk through time?… — Sherrilyn Kenyon
- I read a story about some old opera singer once, and when a guy asked her to marry him, she took him… — Janis Joplin
- I had a great tennis career. I have no regrets. But to find peace with yourself, and to finally be with your… — Bjorn Borg
- But guys such as Allen and William are more supportive than most men. — Kathy Acker