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Funny Quotes by Phyllis Diller
- I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
- I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?'
- You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.
- Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
- Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All…
- He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
- Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
- I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
- Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
- The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
- We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down…
- Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
- I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
- Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
- I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
- Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
- Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
- I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
- Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three dollar pantyhose that won't run.
More Funny Quotes
- To be free in an age like ours, one must be in a position of authority. That in itself would be enough… — Hannah Arendt
- These are the fifties, you know. The disgusting, posturing fifties. — Hannah Arendt
- I'm literally open to any medium that will have me. — J. J. Abrams
- We must all make peace so that we can all live in peace. — Jean-Bertrand Aristide
- Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. — Aristotle
- There is no great genius without a mixture of madness. — Aristotle
- I hope to make movies that are so small they don't need to make anything to be profitable. — J. J. Abrams
- I love recording music. — J. J. Abrams
- Hope is the dream of a waking man. — Aristotle
- Education is the best provision for old age. — Aristotle
- I've had the same friends since I was in kindergarten. — J. J. Abrams
- I also have this incredible love for women. — Kevyn Aucoin