Phyllis Diller Quotes

132 quotes in 1397 categories

• It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is…
• When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time…
• I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
• We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It…
• The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from…
• Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
• Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
• I am constantly being asked about individuals. The only way to win is as a team. Football is not about one or two or three…
• I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high; it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful…
• Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for…
• If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no…
• A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
• I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
• We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
• They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
• Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like…
• Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see…
• I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
• I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
• Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.

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