All Phyllis Diller Quotes
- I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. Behind
- My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me. Inspirational
- Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children. Advice
- His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. Finest
- I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.' Ago
- I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard. Back Yard
- If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. Baseball
- I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right. Better
- I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? Asked
- Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. Age
- The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you. Down
- A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are. Applause
- My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life. All
- Our dog died from licking our wedding picture. Died
- The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience. Audience
- My father used to call me the laughing hyena. Call
- Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run. Careers
- Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. Aging
- Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped. Day
- My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit. Brisk