All Phyllis Diller Quotes
- You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone. Anyone
- I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?' Featured
- You know you're old when your walker has an airbag. Airbag
- I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody. Baby
- The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. Best
- I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning. Baby
- By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant. Birth
- It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak. Beak
- Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it. Cooking
- The only parts left of my original body are my elbows. Body
- I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed." Bed
- Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang only 15 days. Bed
- Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction. Blowing
- Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles. Bed
- Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him. Awake
- When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests. All
- Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards. Cards
- Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed. Bed
- I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know. Anybody
- Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls. Dog