All Phyllis Diller Quotes
- It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is… Avoided
- When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time… Bottle
- I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear. Age
- We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It… Baby
- The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from… Alcoholic
- Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me. Been
- Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. Christmas
- I am constantly being asked about individuals. The only way to win is as a team. Football is not about one or two or three… Asked
- I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high; it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful… Don T
- Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for… Check
- If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no… Door
- A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing. Happened
- I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned. Been
- We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought. Accused
- They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78! Discovered
- Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like… Adult
- Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see… Accepting
- I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead. Bury
- I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo. Blouse
- Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in. Appendix
- You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone. Anyone
- I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?' Featured
- You know you're old when your walker has an airbag. Airbag
- I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody. Baby
- The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. Best