All Phyllis Diller Quotes
- Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? Chance
- A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. Curve
- Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. Children
- I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. Afford
- The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. Empowerment
- What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. Christmas
- Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. Best
- Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. Aging
- The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. Accidentally
- My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the… Anger
- We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down… Children
- Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Anger
- My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. Bad
- A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. Anniversary
- Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. Children
- Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off. Aim
- There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto. Account
- You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot. Alligator
- I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. Admit
- Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Age
- Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. Asked
- My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. Beneath
- It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core. Beauty
- Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. Any
- You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type. Blood