Deep Thought Quotes

444 Deep Thought quotes by 83 unique authors

I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns-regular sun and "rogue" sun. That way, when somebody asked me what time it was,… — Jack Handey
I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I? — Jack Handey
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new nickname for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head". Normally,… — Jack Handey
Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet. — Jack Handey
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness. — Jack Handey
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch… — Jack Handey
One thing about my Aunt Nadie: She was gruff on the outside, but if you ever needed something, like a spanking or a scolding, she'd… — Jack Handey
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our "friend." — Jack Handey
Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pinecone? That way, he learns that "wishing" isn't going to save out national… — Jack Handey
It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto… — Jack Handey
I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling… — Jack Handey
If you ever feel like you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow these simple rules: First, calm down; second, come over and… — Jack Handey
The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine. — Jack Handey
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny… — Jack Handey
Too bad there's not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk, because you'd probably be PROUD to be sprayed by one. — Jack Handey
You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea? Getting caught inside a watch somehow. You don't even… — Jack Handey
Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I think it was… — Jack Handey
When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me,… — Jack Handey
Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground. You pull it up and pull it up, but that… — Jack Handey
I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, on thing you would constantly find yourself telling people would be, "Be sure, before… — Jack Handey
If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while? Come on, we're not going to hurt it. — Jack Handey
Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now. — Jack Handey
If you see an animal and you can't tell if it's a skunk or a cat, here's a good saying to help: "Black-and-white, stinks all… — Jack Handey
If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that… — Jack Handey
If someone told me it wasn't "fashionable" to talk about freedom, I think I'd just have to look him square in the eye and say,… — Jack Handey

Who Wrote These Deep Thought Quotes

83 authors contributed a total of 444 Deep Thought Quotes, led by these top contributors: