Deep Thought Quotes

444 Deep Thought quotes by 83 unique authors

If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of… — Jack Handey
If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic skeleton and lay it in their yard. Then tell them their ants ate your… — Jack Handey
I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but… — Jack Handey
I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mister Swenson was the meanest man in town. But I said I thought he… — Jack Handey
If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth in your underwear, don't stop and start thinking of what other words have "under" in them, because… — Jack Handey
Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when you want to… — Jack Handey
Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that's the least effective on me is a kind of clicking noise. — Jack Handey
Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at a man just walking down the… — Jack Handey
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S… — Jack Handey
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a… — Jack Handey
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys… — Jack Handey
The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth. Could nothing stop it? Maybe Bob could. He was suddenly on top of the meteor-through some kind… — Jack Handey
You can kidnap me and force me to be your watchdog if you want to. But I'm telling you, I will bark at any sound… — Jack Handey
I bet when they weren't fighting, Vikings with horn helmets had to stick potatoes on the ends of the horns, so as to avoid eye… — Jack Handey
The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, "What am I doing?!" — Jack Handey
What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. that's right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say. That's… — Jack Handey
I'm telling you, just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF! Is anyone listening to me?! — Jack Handey
Isn't it funny how one minute life can be such a struggle, and the next minute you're just driving real fast, swerving back and forth… — Jack Handey
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey
If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape got caught on… — Jack Handey
If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart sink is when you look in, and there at… — Jack Handey
I remember we were all horrified to see Grandpa up on the roof with his Superman cape on. "Get down!" yelled Uncle Lou. "Don't move!"… — Jack Handey
I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say. — Jack Handey
It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were… — Jack Handey
I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take… — Jack Handey

Who Wrote These Deep Thought Quotes

83 authors contributed a total of 444 Deep Thought Quotes, led by these top contributors: