Deep Thought Quotes

444 Deep Thought quotes by 83 unique authors

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much,… — Jack Handey
Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked… — Jack Handey
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you… — Jack Handey
Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant,… — Jack Handey
The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old… — Jack Handey
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays.… — Jack Handey
Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway;… — Jack Handey
I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves. — Jack Handey
If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means… — Jack Handey
Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go… — Jack Handey
If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort… — Jack Handey
I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk… — Jack Handey
He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's what I hated about him. — Jack Handey
If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of a walking shape… — Jack Handey
Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the chirp rat, I… — Jack Handey
It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the… — Jack Handey
The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him and called him a fruit. Man, I hate land like… — Jack Handey
I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death. — Jack Handey
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey
I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you. — Jack Handey
I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself have been guilty of this. When I… — Jack Handey
It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny… — Jack Handey
When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs… — Jack Handey
I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins. — Jack Handey
Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't… — Jack Handey

Who Wrote These Deep Thought Quotes

83 authors contributed a total of 444 Deep Thought Quotes, led by these top contributors: